if I throw in the towel what would you think?

[Deleted]

I have a lot of me invested in Nonbinary.

I also seem to be unable to hold presentation boundaries.  

Will you think less of me if I give up and transition?

After all we have been through together it feels like betrayal, hopelessness, defeat.

If it validates the words of the blonde of old who's binary will forcing was so damaging to me and that place it makes me sick, feels like my stubbornness contributed to the horror of that time and place.

Don't go there it's not about the old place, but it's a factor.  Threads go to hell talking about that and driver members out.

Will you think less of me if I can't take it anymore and transition?

It's just getting too hard.  I need to start planning.

No sudden changes here.  But a lot of what holds me together is acceptance, approval, and respect I recieve from you.

I have to have that....it has held me together throughout transition.

Your thoughts.  I want my face.

[EchelonHunt]

You know me, Trinity. I will support you.

I am transitioning to have a male body, having embraced my femboy identity. The non-binary perspective has helped me immensely in terms of viewing myself in a different light and for the first time in years, it allowed me to love myself fiercely in a way I had never experienced before. It allowed me to embrace both female, male and genderless aspects of myself, something a binary identity would have never allowed me to do.

I will not think any less of you if you transition, nor will I think any less of you if you decide not to transition. Be absolutely sure that this is something you need to do - have you spoken to your therapist about your feelings? You have been under immense stress lately, it would be wise to make sure the decision to transition is not an impulsive one (not saying it is, but just be careful.)

*Hugs*

Jacey

[Emily]

Gosh, SJ, identity is mostly (well maybe not, but at least that's how I get that) about what is inside of Your head. So, unless You tell us - we will never know (but knowing You, You wont be able to hold that secret, would You?). So, as regards the physical changes and transition, I believe that one can still pursue full transition (Mtf, FtM) and remain non-binary as regards the core identity. Just do what makes You mentally and physically comfortable, plus what is safe for You, Your closest ones, relatives, work etc etc etc. In a way, I see the MtF transition for myself as inevitable so who I am then to judge others? It might just take a bit more time for us, but in the end... everything will be fine .

[Deleted]

Any other forum and I would be a statistic by now.

As a Nonbinary transsexual it remains my instinct to fight, protect family, loveddones. Sacrifice self for preserving them.

Collateral damage vs dysphoria is turning into a math equation. A hari seldon prediction.

I live a reactionary life, adjusting to external based on self, fear, selflessness, love... but not crafted to a goal.

It was always about just getting through the day to reach the night of candles lace and incense.

I lost so much of myself in that lifestyle that there is little left of the special but out of control soul that made it to Broadway.

I need me back, to break the bondage of codependency, to be free.

A life of sacrifice saved my wife and kids from the predators and racists of the north.

It all factors in.

Yes, my shrink and I have talked for years, to hold boundaries. The hope is to slow it enough for the wife to adjust to the relentless change.

Collateral damage is to them and to me. I accept I have a medical condition here I have to learn to live with, to mitigate damage.

It should not be so, but I am learning hate towards us is real,middle school never stopped. It is conditions as they are, to accept and rise above. But not like then, with masks and compensating behaviors leading to booze and lost career.

Motives....always motives, consequences, selflessness, core.

[Deleted]

Emily it's so nice you are here dear, it's great, and yes, agreed.

[Laura J]

I support you always, in anything you decide.
Especially if it will create joy within you, and be a positive change that will ease you mind, and allow you to step back from the edge you've been so near at times.
What for each of us creates peace within our hearts, and those around us, that is always a good decision..

[Edge]

In response to the question of would I think less of you, no and why the heck would I?
Honestly, it makes me angry (not towards you or anyone else here) that this is even a question. Who says non-binary people can't transition if they want to? How would it betray anyone? It's your body and your life.
Know what I think? I think people who know nothing have been making assumptions and telling you things that have made you feel ashamed of things that are not shameful (which is why this question makes me angry towards those people). I think I know a number of non-binary people who are or have transitioned in a way that works for them as well as some who haven't and I am happy for them because they are happy. I think the point of transition is to get to a place where you are comfortable.
I hope I made sense.

[Deleted]

Jan 19, 2015 0:15:53 GMT 8 Edge said:

In response to the question, no and why the heck would I?
Honestly, it makes me angry (not towards you or anyone else here) that this is even a question. Who says non-binary people can't transition if they want to? How would it betray anyone? It's your body and your life.
Know what I think? I think people who know nothing have been making assumptions and telling you things that have made you feel ashamed of things that are not shameful (which is why this question makes me angry towards those people). I think I know a number of non-binary people who are or have transitioned in a way that works for them as well as some who haven't and I am happy for them because they are happy. I think the point of transition is to get to a place where you are comfortable.
I hope I made sense.

Edge is right about this hon, you don't need anyone's permission or approval to be who you are and who you want to be, you always have my support! 

[bhhfmm]

I'll respect and care about you no matter what you decide to do. You are the one who needs to determine what you can live with and what you can't, not us. Just do what makes you happiest overall, that is what is important.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Is your reactionary life path one of trying to put out fires by beating on them?

Sometimes the sparks drift in the wind only to start yet more fires.

Are you on a path the has a vista, a view on one side, awesome to see, but to distant to touch, that very distance the beauty of it's splendor?

Is the path on the side of solid ground that supports it well?

Where is the fire?

Who or what started it and is it really necessary to put it out or is it but the burning away of the underbrush, the grass so it can grow green once again?

If you find it necessary to put it out to keep your path safe, are you simply chasing it, forcing it ahead by sparks in the wind?

In that kind of vision in the minds eye, as in real life, the solution isn't to chase it, beating it down while creating even more sparks that need to be dealt with.

You get in front of it, safe enough to get rid of the stuff that is the fuel of the fire, get rid of the flammable, build a fire break.


Or you could simply turn west and venture down the hill until you are in that place that looks so beautiful from a distance, if you can find the path that leads there.
Simply trying to run headlong over the side, running and falling through the wild entanglements you'll find, was fun when you were young and free to do so.
You can find the intersections of your path and and in your travel arrive there without having to stumble down a hillside of entanglements to get there.

You see the beauty of the path you're on, but are you creating those reactionary fires that result from beating the fire out, the one you might be able to move past to safety?

Ahh,.. but the vista is so beautiful as well. But are your fellow travelers, the ones you are protecting able to run down the hill and through the entanglements that are there?

When I was younger, I was on my own, and had my things to do, and in thinking of then wish to regain the excitement of those times, but not having to run through the entanglements.

I guess I have learned to avoid those and to find a better path instead. I will get there and I will and do find some of the excitement that was there so long ago.

But I don't live there and I can't go back, it's gone. The excitement is in the memories. So I am building that excitement into the paths I choose.
I can find enough of them there.

My future doesn't lay in my past, it has elements and lessons learned, memories of what once was for me to craft into the now and to see into the future with.

A fire along my path is not for me to put out, it is up to me to let it burn out so I can pass, maybe have to sit and wait.

But while I do, I will think and make the decisions I need to find the paths that take me where I am going.

I'm to old to run through the brambles as I did when I was young and didn't have to take anyone along.

I don't heal as fast as I once did from the cuts and bruises in those headlong rushes to where I wanted to be, when everything was about me and experiencing the adventure of it all.

I've already been there and have done that and have learned what it is to skirt along the edge without care or worry, I have already found out what is below the ledge.

I still like to dance along it, but I do so in a practiced controlled way, and never be so reactionary as to start more fires in putting out the one.


I have already been where the bottom is and have learned that to run over and down to be able to that splendid view of the vista on my path, I simply need to find the path that leads there.

The one that has the bridges that go over the wild rivers and chasms that I can't climb in any longer.

Besides, I know now that it isn't about that destination, it is about the journey. I walk and rest, let the obstructions move out of the way or simply go around them.

Because I learned to do that from those exciting times of my youth, the one that is gone, and in it's place I have to find the answers along a different path.

One that is like the ones from the past, but this one is different, that vista off to the side isn't the same on, it never is, it's the new one.


Do I chance another run down a hillside into the unknown, or hold the course and take my companions along, always looking to stay out of the fires and to not create more of them.

My youth was full of excitement, and I learned a lot. Life isn't boring by comparison, it is much more enlightened in view of what I have learned.

I can stop and look at that vista and wonder if I will ever get there, and contemplate if it will be as beautiful when I have arrived.

I've learned that it seldom looks the same as it did from afar, that sometimes it is beautiful in it's own ways., sometimes not so much...

But the path never ends and there is no rest, save for the few short ones I take as walk the paths I'm on.

There is always something new to see right around the corner, and if by chance I see the path that leads me there to see what that vista is all about, I might take it.

You just never know where those paths will lead, you can ask by all the means you use to guide you, but you never really get an answer, you only receive an idea of the direction to go.

The paths themselves are the ones of your choosing.
The ones you take are by decision, so you use what you've learned to do that.

It would be fun to run helter skelter down the sides of those hills and know you are going to face the hardships of the challenges that lay ahead.

But I can also look over the side and see them from here, I recognize them, I have seen them before from close up because I was there, in those same kind of places.
But they have been replaced by new ones and I know that if I am going to go see them up close, that I can always find that path to get there, without jumping off the edge.

What I could do when I was younger was fun and I did it because I could, but that was then. I did it to learn from it and I have.
I've learned something in the very least.
I learned to follow the path that will take me to where I am going, and If I have someone to take with, I'll make damn sure it is at the very least, safe for them as well.

I created more than enough collateral damage in just getting here. I've lost a lot of people along the way. I lost my family, not that I needed them, but still...
I have lost my daughters it seems. Maybe our paths will cross again, but that collateral damage is one that I suffer with as well. I'm not that same person that I was.
As much as I think I could do it all once again, I know I have learned to do it in better ways. I get the idea that I maybe know enough that I could go back, to survive it.

But it would also be like watching yet another version of the movie, 'The Expendables'. A parody of what once was but has moved into the past where it belongs.
My life feels too much like that some days as it is. I find those things that allow me to dance on the edge, but it is in a learned and control way.
I need to go and help take down a tree that is too close to high voltage lines. I think I'll let the 24 yr old climb up and put a rope around the tree to pull it away.
If he gets hurt, falls, I know enough to help with that. If I fell and got hurt, he hasn't a clue yet.
I'd climb the tree and do it, but I am needed more on the ground, being the safety net, calling out the words that will keep him safe, so I don't have to see him fall instead.
I'm still me, I still do things the way I want. I also know enough to not create more problems out of the ones I already have. There will be more as I travel my paths.
Thinking about such things as what it was and who I was when I was younger, but not as wise as I have learned to be.
Ativan

[Deleted]

I will be reading this many times dear friend Ativan, as well as others of yours, as I self examination and tweak.the path.

I cannot sacrifice the essence of me. If I lost that, I lose all.

Motives, visions, and maybe self destruction, setting it up.

Thoughts turn to ruminating, which turns to pain.

I will rest on this path, and look at the sunrise and sunset, and take my beloved with me, the woman I love, and Satinjoy too, I must look after her needs.

At times it feels like agony, but the pain of loneliness, how much worse is that?

Today a walk, football, prayer, aa tools, and rest.

I believe in fires at midnight...

[Deleted]

Many thanks to the rest of you too, Mark, Julie, edge, Jamie, Shan, Jayce, Emily all of you, hope I missed no-one.

It all helps.

Sorry to keep doing this type of post.

Digging deeper.

[Edge]

No need to be sorry. I'm sorry you feel the need for this type of post. By all means, keep asking for the reassurance you need.

[Deleted]

Moot point, my subject.

A vision was given to me, of my design, of who God made for this earth.

It is one of beauty, the perfect blend of binaries, not a woman with a beard, butts trinity, silk shirts, long hair, goatee, eyes of beauty, a pretty choaker rings and nails. I will show h'er to you. Our trinity.

Rest now, the crisis is gone.

[Edge]

Congratulations. Be who you are.