Mitigating collateral damage -the high cost of transition TW
Oct 24, 2015 21:53:27 GMT 8
Ayla likes this
Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2015 21:53:27 GMT 8
We really havent finished this conversation at all...
The problem of other people's transphobia, social needs, and just genders as they interact with ours is for me huge.
Yesterday at work, I didn't bother to spray my hair back, I got tired of the bullshit, I am in hardcore negotiations to force coverage of my ecyp injections - and that is looking hopeful by the way, the endo just has to make a case it is medically necessary for me and there is no doubt of this at this point, not for me darlings, not for me. If anything the need for a complete physical transition is intensifying.
But my big issue is that I want to be free to be totally fluid in how I present and live and interact with the world out there and in here. And there are just so many hurdles to jump to find that acceptance in family, as I posted in your blog Jamie, there are days I want to cut and run.
My wife knows I am a trans advocate on the forum here, that this is my place to reach out. She also knows that I touch other lives in the world of alcoholism. She knows that I have a desire to return to the stage some day, actually it will not be the acting stage, maybe, who knows, this is NY and I can here the union will let me.
I am wondering though at what collateral damage could be created by coming out on you tube and starting the performance work I so deeply desire to do. Theres a lot of prep, my voice is highly trained for a broadway tenor, not for a female quality type singer. I am thinking a little of where this will go artistically in the visuals. It wont be the she of the bedroom that I put on stage, it will be myself. And I think I know where that rabbit hole leads to. There are a million possiblilites, the art of it is limitless if I can seize the time. And since I can vocally do just about anything, I need to think this through better. As fluid, I may adapt it to the look, or I may run it entirely male regardless of the look. I suspect if my vision is clear it will be the whole range and I will look quite nonbinary on stage again, so it will work regardless of what register I choose. LOL I used to have a high E, thats a high E over a high C, nobody else could hit that full voice and no falsetto. i could and got every show when I hit the notes.
The best thing that happened to me was losing it all in FL, sort of, and coming to live in a basement apartment in The City. I am so freed up by that, I don't want to buy a house, I can go out. In this neighborhood I am careful though, I am in the heart of the west indian section. That's a rigidly binary culture. They hang us in the old country, or torture us till we hang ourselves, and then they laugh about it. Its the most bullshit culture in some ways I have ever seen. Very third world and very ignorant. Yet as with all of them, there are great people in the mix.
I am drivelling. I think that if you can get the space from loved ones to be you as you truly are and are accepted for it, then you are the most fortunate people on earth. My wife loves me as my core, and she knows very well that I am a nonbinary transsexual. But she does not know where that path leads and it scares her and me too.
And thats the point of the ramble. If we have not gone through trans puberty we can't really know where it ends for us socially and as who we become, there is just too much for us to adjust to. Until we do that we have to find the choices that work, then when it all stabilizes, maybe after that, then we can begin to assert ourselves and ask that we be loved for who we are. And if they cannot do that....
I really don't want to go there. I am sick of being controlled by other peoples bullshit. Not my wifes, not her fears. The people that ram my gender up my
Well, the ones that interfere and insist that I am a peice of shit because I am not man enough.
Interesting thing at work, I am so rambling on here, but in the dynamic of how I work with my boss, and frankly this guy is like, wow, physically he's a rock, goes to the gym, wears cutaway sweatshirts when off hours, I mean, male hunk for sure.... but I notice that in the dynamics of me working with him, there is no hint of transphobia, and he treats me more gently then any of the guys there. I think he picked up on something, and I also think that heavy testosterone pheromones are picking up on heavy estrogen levels subconsciously, and in the instincts we have, he's reacting the way he would around a female.
Its quite comfortable really and I have dropped nearly all of the act there, although I am pretty strongly guy. And my coworkers are kind of happy I am there, they are quite friendly though very professional, they seem ot have accepted me as I am, and I know the breasts read at least a little. I think they were glad to get someone in of high caliber that isn't ego ridden and is just one of the guys so to speak, just one of the team.
So I can be gender nonconforming at work without pushing anything, without the makeup or the clothes. Its all about finding out the balances and what works. But more and more I am unwilling to censure parts of myself that were silenced. I am done with it. That I agree with Jamie on, that is abuse in a subtle way. Asking you to not be yourself but be who others tell you that you must be, well, that is why my late transition has been agony in many ways, but even so we always can overcome even that.
The problem of other people's transphobia, social needs, and just genders as they interact with ours is for me huge.
Yesterday at work, I didn't bother to spray my hair back, I got tired of the bullshit, I am in hardcore negotiations to force coverage of my ecyp injections - and that is looking hopeful by the way, the endo just has to make a case it is medically necessary for me and there is no doubt of this at this point, not for me darlings, not for me. If anything the need for a complete physical transition is intensifying.
But my big issue is that I want to be free to be totally fluid in how I present and live and interact with the world out there and in here. And there are just so many hurdles to jump to find that acceptance in family, as I posted in your blog Jamie, there are days I want to cut and run.
My wife knows I am a trans advocate on the forum here, that this is my place to reach out. She also knows that I touch other lives in the world of alcoholism. She knows that I have a desire to return to the stage some day, actually it will not be the acting stage, maybe, who knows, this is NY and I can here the union will let me.
I am wondering though at what collateral damage could be created by coming out on you tube and starting the performance work I so deeply desire to do. Theres a lot of prep, my voice is highly trained for a broadway tenor, not for a female quality type singer. I am thinking a little of where this will go artistically in the visuals. It wont be the she of the bedroom that I put on stage, it will be myself. And I think I know where that rabbit hole leads to. There are a million possiblilites, the art of it is limitless if I can seize the time. And since I can vocally do just about anything, I need to think this through better. As fluid, I may adapt it to the look, or I may run it entirely male regardless of the look. I suspect if my vision is clear it will be the whole range and I will look quite nonbinary on stage again, so it will work regardless of what register I choose. LOL I used to have a high E, thats a high E over a high C, nobody else could hit that full voice and no falsetto. i could and got every show when I hit the notes.
The best thing that happened to me was losing it all in FL, sort of, and coming to live in a basement apartment in The City. I am so freed up by that, I don't want to buy a house, I can go out. In this neighborhood I am careful though, I am in the heart of the west indian section. That's a rigidly binary culture. They hang us in the old country, or torture us till we hang ourselves, and then they laugh about it. Its the most bullshit culture in some ways I have ever seen. Very third world and very ignorant. Yet as with all of them, there are great people in the mix.
I am drivelling. I think that if you can get the space from loved ones to be you as you truly are and are accepted for it, then you are the most fortunate people on earth. My wife loves me as my core, and she knows very well that I am a nonbinary transsexual. But she does not know where that path leads and it scares her and me too.
And thats the point of the ramble. If we have not gone through trans puberty we can't really know where it ends for us socially and as who we become, there is just too much for us to adjust to. Until we do that we have to find the choices that work, then when it all stabilizes, maybe after that, then we can begin to assert ourselves and ask that we be loved for who we are. And if they cannot do that....
I really don't want to go there. I am sick of being controlled by other peoples bullshit. Not my wifes, not her fears. The people that ram my gender up my
Well, the ones that interfere and insist that I am a peice of shit because I am not man enough.
Interesting thing at work, I am so rambling on here, but in the dynamic of how I work with my boss, and frankly this guy is like, wow, physically he's a rock, goes to the gym, wears cutaway sweatshirts when off hours, I mean, male hunk for sure.... but I notice that in the dynamics of me working with him, there is no hint of transphobia, and he treats me more gently then any of the guys there. I think he picked up on something, and I also think that heavy testosterone pheromones are picking up on heavy estrogen levels subconsciously, and in the instincts we have, he's reacting the way he would around a female.
Its quite comfortable really and I have dropped nearly all of the act there, although I am pretty strongly guy. And my coworkers are kind of happy I am there, they are quite friendly though very professional, they seem ot have accepted me as I am, and I know the breasts read at least a little. I think they were glad to get someone in of high caliber that isn't ego ridden and is just one of the guys so to speak, just one of the team.
So I can be gender nonconforming at work without pushing anything, without the makeup or the clothes. Its all about finding out the balances and what works. But more and more I am unwilling to censure parts of myself that were silenced. I am done with it. That I agree with Jamie on, that is abuse in a subtle way. Asking you to not be yourself but be who others tell you that you must be, well, that is why my late transition has been agony in many ways, but even so we always can overcome even that.
