On gender, dysphoria, cowardice and love.

[Deleted]

On Tuesday, I met with my counsellor as I do, every two weeks. It is probably the worst meeting I have had.

Let's take a step back, to discuss who I am. I am genetically male, married, with a child, and I don't look or act in any way transgender. I dress male. I act male. I think male. I am male. Except, deep inside of me, at least since I was 6, I wanted to be a woman. I declared this to my sister, the message was relayed to my mother, I got into trouble, and that box closed for another 27 years. Three or four years ago, the fantasy reawakened: I finally remembered that as a child I wanted to be a woman, and that this yearning never went away. I wanted to dress like a woman, I wanted to look like a woman. I discussed this with my wife, and boom, back to being 6, I got into trouble again, so I sent all the feelings underground again. Technically I never got into trouble, but I really upset my wife A LOT. Except now, this time I am adult, sentient, able to remember. Pandora's box is wide open. The desire expresses in cross dressing in private, something which I don't really feel comfortable doing - I look like a man in a dress, not like a woman. So I went to see a counselling pschologist. I went desperately hoping to be healed, to have it all go away and to be a happy, cis-gendered man again. And of course, she said she couldn't make this happen. She said it might never go away. It might never go away. That was 15 months ago and I see her two to three times a month, to talk about coping, and as I grow to understand this aspect of myself a bit more, I hoped it would all get a bit easier. Yesterday, I saw the brick wall.

You see I always described a scenario to her (my counsellor) of there being two pills (like in the matrix). Take the blue one, tomorrow you wake up and everything is as it was. I would be a cis-gendered man, happy to be a man with no thoughts of dysphoria and comfortable in the body I was born with and grew up in. However, take the red pill, and tomorrow you wake up as a woman and everything changes. I always believed that I don't take the red one, because most likely I would lose my wife and daughter, and she truly is the woman I love most in the world (the intensity of love I feel for her still leaves me a little breathless after ten years of marriage).

But on Tuesday it dawned on me that there is no blue pill. Only a red pill. And I am too cowardly to take it. I cannot even get my ears pierced, for it seeming to be too effeminate. I am trapped in a cage in my head, from which there is no escape. I could never take the red pill, I am too scared, I would hate it too much for words that people looked at me funnily. I wore my heels to our counselling session once, and my counsellor works in a psychiatric hospital. It left me reeling with dread. I could barely leave the room, given the way people were looking at me on the way in. And that is at a psychiatric hospital. How much worse would that be in the world?

To be clear, I lecture at a university, my job is well protected if I were to transition, I have tenure and could not be fired. However, the terrible thought of people judging me, as I would judge me, leaves me feeling too awful to contemplate.

My counsellor explained that transition means you get the full package, she asked me what I thought it would be like to be a woman, not just to look like one. I have no idea. All I know is how to be me, within the confines of my cage in my head. What does it mean to be a woman? I don't even understand what it means to be a man, despite being a reasonably successful one.

So what I am left with is a metaphorical brick wall. A cage, of my own making, from which there is no release, and no way that I can see to deconstruct. So, I get to keep the woman I so desperately love, the child I am so happy to love and to have helped to create, and ultimately I get to have a good, fulfilling life.

And the negative, is perhaps the realisation that I will have to learn to live with the feeling of dysphoria for the rest of my life too, just to remind me that my gender is wrong. And I pray that eventually I can decide what I want to do, based not upon my feelings of cowardice.

[Sisyphus]

I dearly wish I could tear down that wall for you, but I too am living with a wall, albeit one that is crumbling for me, except I have no desire to be other than I am, to wish it away. I do that, like you, for fear of losing everything. I don't have a lot to lose, but what I do have is worth the world to me.

[Ayla]

Cherie

Walls. The metaphor is strong and it is often a great descriptor and fit. But words can twist, distort and disable as much as they can reflect, capture, express and enable. Perspective and language can and should change. Often it is not so much a case of a binary choice ie a wall or no wall, prison or freedom etc Sometimes the wall evolves or reveals itself as constructed of glass rather than brick; then you discover a vent which allows air to flow, fragrance, emotion and noise to penetrate; if you pursue this further, often a window is revealed and greater engagement becomes possible. When the window shows itself as a door then the possibility emerges of moving fluidly at the pace you determine, when you determine, from your current presentation, role etc to one which is closer to your identity as you learn to understand and to embrace it.

Without wishing to conflate my experience with yours I do see similarity. Alpha male with dysphoria. Ridiculed as a child when I expressed this. Raised in a fairly harsh religious family where predictability, conformity and rigid gender roles were expected and rewarded. Moved to the military to try to prove that I really could be an alpha male if I just tried that little bit harder. Continued this theme into sports, relationships, professional life etc. Dysphoria was kept at arms length and I hoped that I could ignore it, 'wall' it away and deny it ... but I was unable to deny myself. The dysphoria built and I spent, many, many years fearing that there was no way forward, that choices were entirely binary, either pink or blue, and both were a poor outcome. Much relationship angst followed and my parenting impacted ..... anyways roll forward 25 years and in my mid 50's after much support, counsel, acceptance, low dose hrt, exploration and expression of my non binary nature; I am in a much better place. Choices were not as stark or as dire as they once appeared. A grey and disappointing life was revealed to have texture, color, emotion, growth and possibility.

My learning was that a powerful self authored life was there and it was available to me.  It wasn't 'walled' away, denied to me and inaccessible.  It just took a step at a time, a 'brick' at a time.   It is often just this, nothing more and nothing less. Language and possibility need to be aligned and permissive.

Hope this helps.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Deleted]

I know cherie, it doesn't go away, it gets you, it eats you.
It almost got me, so much that everything didn't matter anymore.
That was my time to get to work at it.
Hard, lifechanging desicions, and the more you invest in that the more will survive.
I put everything on the line, family, home, work, myself...........worked my xss off on these, and everything but my own blood (parents sis and bro)
survived with me.
just under three years and i am as happy as can be, life is so much better now, beyond my wildest expectations.
concentrate on your inner circle, thats whats matters, give them your soul.
and prep do do some hard work and loving.

[Ayla]

May 15, 2015 9:17:58 GMT 8 @binnen9999 said:

I know cherie, it doesn't go away, it gets you, it eats you.
It almost got me, ...
I put everything on the line, family, home, work, myself...........worked my xss off on these, and everything but my own blood (parents sis and bro)
survived with me.
just under three years and i am as happy as can be, life is so much better now, beyond my wildest expectations.
concentrate on your inner circle, thats whats matters, give them your soul.
and prep do do some hard work and loving.

Cherie

Star's advice is right on the money.  There is always a way forward.  Being open, available, honest, authentic and committed will propel you.

It isn't easy.  It is the hardest challenge that I have faced but you are not alone.  Plenty of great folk are here who are here to listen, support, advise and to help.  

The destination really doesn't matter.  Your journey will take surprising twists and turns.  There is no time table other than the one you set for yourself.

A much better life, the life that you deserve does not need to be denied to you.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Deleted]

Hitting the wall. How many times have we heard it.

Been there, done that.

Still have the wife and the kids, but life changed.

It takes having a good therapist, down time helps, boundaries especially help.

Sometimes boundaries slow the process down enough for the acceptance levels of you and your wife to catch up.

You sound much like I did. Very much so.

There is low dose estrogen. Transition is not necessarily all or nothing, binary. I live non binary, all girl when I can, inside, now outside a little bit, tiny bit, but I am accutely sensitive of what my wife can and cannot take.

You already have talked, now she needs to find out what you are both, together, one flesh, are up against. What you were born into.

Dysphoria can get accute to the point of breaking the mind, if it isnt handled right, been there, done that too.

The red pill is not the pill of transition. The red pill is the pill of truth. I only promised to show you the truth, is the line after he took that pill.

And it leads to a rough road. There are no simple or easy choices, there are only choices. Purging- I did that 50 times. When I broke it was way into the redlines.

Its a day at a time, and with you male minded male etc... nonbinary. You know it already.

That is not the same journey as binary trans. It can take you anywhere, not just one place, not just into a dress.

Breathe, and relax. Learn of nonbinary and how we deal with the art of living. Find your way through the matrix, out of it into your personal Zion. You don't know yet where those paths go.

There are ways of coping with dysphoria. Look into your eyes. Is it she, or he, looking back at you in the mirror. For me, it was she. But that is not my social gender, I am free socially, not limited. We are free.

You will need to compensate for the dysphoria, find ways to ease it. Pretending its not there is not healthy. Be it, know it, but set limits on where you want it to take you, until you are ready. Its not cowardice driving the bus, its love, its fear, is knowing you are up against the big time. Let faith and trust drive for a while, take a back seat. Look for maps. Read the history of this place here, learn.

Then craft your strategy, with your therapist, your wife will need to be part of it. And take it very, very slowly. Gently.

It starts inside you, not outside. A girl in a male suit is a girl nonetheless, IF that is her true self. (An FTM in a suit is a hot looking stud regardless of their transition point).... A guy in a dress is a guy who likes to wear a dress... or has to, driven to it.

Share, talk, see what comes up, and be honest in here, the more honest you are, the more you'll get out of the forum.

We are here for you. Take it slow. Full transition is not inevitable. It depends entirely on your truth. Mine and yours may differ, I am full transition no op, but you know I live as an androgyne and quite nicely. Your path may be far easier.

It depends. You get what you get, hard to predict, but take the steps to not sabotage your walk through the paths of transition to Zion.

Blessings

Trinity

[Deleted]

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate your words and guidance. One day at a time, I can handle! One brick at a time I can do. It also helps to break the isolation I feel in dealing with this and working my own path forward.

[Ayla]

Cherie

Once I realised that I had the chance to create and to live a great life; that I could choose how best to live my life and that it didn't have to end in the loss of my wife, my kids, friendships, job, livelihood etc; and that it didn't have to be a denial of my dreams and expression of my core i moved forward.

There are many great articles on this. Some resonate. Others don't. But I quite like one I posted in the news section earlier today

www.huffingtonpost.com/grace-anne-stevens/my-transgender-life-whose-life-are-you-living_b_7279462.html#st_refDomain=nonbinaryproboardscomst_refQuery=thread1167trans-life-living 

"As the flood of tears slowed down, I asked myself, "Whose life am I living?" That question was a hard one, but not nearly as hard as trying to answer it."

Hope it helps.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Sisyphus]

May 15, 2015 14:17:40 GMT 8 @cherie said:

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate your words and guidance. One day at a time, I can handle! One brick at a time I can do. It also helps to break the isolation I feel in dealing with this and working my own path forward.

Brick by brick, row by row, we can make this garden grow

[Deleted]

How are you doing Cherie?

[Deleted]

Hi All. Just a short note to say all is OK. It's been an interesting week after the near terror I felt last week. I have no idea what the path is, or where it will take me, I have no idea who I am in this context, but that is OK too. I appreciate your words and help. I fall into the trap of binary thinking; I have always seen things as black and white, and I still do. I need grey-goggles. I will follow up over the next few days, I want to try to formulate some new thoughts in my head. I suspect Trinity is right, nonbinary is the right label, just not sure how to engage with the idea with my totally binary upbringing.

[Deleted]

Just be, feel, and keep sharing dear.

Just talk it out with us, you will feel better, and don't worry about labels, or binary, or non binary. You need to love up Cherie, the rest will follow.

Blessings
Trinity

[Deleted]

"My counsellor explained that transition means you get the full package, she asked me what I thought it would be like to be a woman, not just to look like one."

That's a fantastic question. My answer is this:

Of course, I am a woman, but to truly live as one is what your counselor is probably talking about. It will be different as privileges change, the level of attention you get changes, the way people approach you and treat you changes, etc. Some will be worse, some will be better, but ultimately it will be a new and refreshing experience. Living as a man was just never for me. I don't just mean the social standard of "manly", but just being a male and having to endure what that entails. Male privileges were never anything important to me.

I'm not living full-time just yet, but I am recognised by my house mates as female. I wear more "feminine" clothing around the house despite not really passing yet, because I can get away with it. So, living as a woman at home is quite nice; being included by my cis female friends, and sharing with each other the things that women do not share with men.

To finally live full-time will be exhilarating and liberating. I could do it now, but I would rather wait until HRT has worked enough magic on me. Plus, I still don't have the handle on makeup, and my hair is a disaster.

I will be going out on the road soon with my friend and colleague Rachel Haywire, so I'm sure she will help me a lot with clothing, makeup, hair and so on. I guess I will be kind of forced to go full-time by traveling a lot, so that experience will surely teach my many things and help me seem more convincing in presentation. Right now, I don't have a whole lot of clothing to work with, but I'm sure I will pick up some new things along the way.

I think from living 33 years as a male I don't have a lot of the mannerisms that cis women learn growing up, nor do I have the vocal inflections down. My voice is becoming more and more convincing, though. In fact, it's almost painful to try to speak lower now. It's not where I'd like it to be just yet, but it's getting there. Having sung along with female vocalists since I was a kid has helped it from getting to that guttural place, too, so I can sing more like a woman than speak, oddly enough.

I am not terribly effeminate or stereotypically "girly", though. I'm more like Ellen Page or Janeane Garofalo. I'm sure that throws people off, like why transition if you're not going to be someone from Sex And The City? Pfft. I know who I am, and my gender identity has nothing to do with how I choose to express myself. I am more feminine in my mannerisms since transitioning, but not because I'm putting on a charade. I'm just not repressing myself anymore.

So, living as a woman is precisely how I was supposed to live. Being a woman is simply being myself at 100%. I could never ever go back.

[Ativan Prescribed]

This self talk of such things as brick walls and other things that represent a barrier of some sort...
Stop it. They exist because you envision them as such a thing, something that is going to take some kind of monumental effort to overcome.
Just stop it. You think about things in this way because it is so common in the way people talk, you apply it to yourself as if it is a real challenge.
They don't exist. You make a step in your life as difficult as can be by doing this, when you place a barrier in your minds eye.
Always, you are taking another step on a path, one of many to choose from, but the one you desire to take.

These barriers are the edge of your comfort zone, the point at which your emotional values are going to change if you take another step.
What are the values of the emotions that are going to change, how are you going to feel? Scared? Life is like that...
Think about other things that you have accomplished for yourself in life,, did you stop and imagine a wall too high to climb, to hard to break through?
What about that new job, the promotion you got that throws more responsibility in front of you,.. Did you stop there and go no farther?
Most of the time we hesitate when we get to the edge of our comfort zone, the place we live in that we know is safe enough that we can deal with the possibilities there.

The things we do in life, the steps we take, sometimes we don't feel sure footed, we're not positive that we can take that step without falling, we invent barriers.
What if's... We all do this, but we do it most of the time in very positive ways, we know the rewards and we take that step, it's worth it, it's pretty clear cut in our mind.
You step outside of your comfort zone because you just know that it will follow you, you don't even really think about how that changes, the reward is right there.
Those are the one steps outside, there is no wall, you simply have to take the step because you can see it, it's been shown to you, it's easy.
But consider how that broadens your comfort zone, just like moving away from home, to be on your own, that new job you always wanted, the list goes on and on.

The thing about doing that, for every step you take, your comfort zone is right behind you, you can step back and you know it.
Once you feel sure footed in that step, it catches up with you and life is still good, it was a safe step to take, a positive one in almost all respects.
Most everyone has taken the riskier steps at one time or another, it doesn't have to be anything big, it can just be a personal challenge that is yours alone.
Those little things that the rest of your world doesn't see, but you do, another step on your path that is just yours to make, never mind anything else.
That uphill step in a blinding snowstorm to reach the top of the hill, that place that is the pass on your path, that you know you have to get through to get to the downhill side.
Sounds kinda radical to think of it that way, the blinding swirling snow will still be there, you have no idea how you are going to make it down the other side, even know what's there.
You can always just give up, turn around and go home, your comfort zone followed you as you moved forward into the cold and snow, you can wait for a better day.
Some times, it just makes sense to do just that, but other times, it's just another step to be closer to the top and you can see it, you push ahead, determined to at least reach the top.
People will do that, there is a need to see what it looks like, what is on the other side. it makes all the difference in your decision of how you are now going to keep moving forward.
Most of us never do such radical things, we wait for better weather, but somtimes you just get caught in a storm that you didn't see coming.
What would you do, it's just another step closer to your goal, how hard are you willing to push yourself, you wonder if your going to be able to turn back and make it.
Deep down, you know you can do that, you know you can step in either direction, it's just a matter of will, determination, strength of character, abilities...

We make choices everyday, all day long. Do you see a brick wall at times?
That's a hard way to go, when you just need to take another step.
Those brick walls, the barrier you place there is an excuse to sit and wait, to not have to take another step.
One more step outside your comfort zone. It follows you where ever you go, it is always right behind you.
It isn't about taking down, breaking through a barrier, it's about not imagining there is one.
Can't go forward, go left. Or right. Just go. Stop imagining that what you need is behind a locked door in a brick wall.
It's about taking one more step. Another step on your journey.
Stop imagining that you know what your destination is, you'll know it when you get there, all you have is a direction at best.
It is always about the journey, so stop imagining there are barriers, there are only steps to take, sometimes they take you outside of your comfort zone.
Stop worrying, look at the path and take another step. The big decisions are the forks in the road, and they are nothing more than opportunities.
You might have to take a break and rest now and then, pull out your map and compass, but it's always about the journey, never the destination.
People tend to think of way points as a destination, They're not, and they can always be changed, the route might have detours, that might be the right way to go.
Your destination is the end of your journey, where you go to on it is a set of way points, nothing more, you can change them anytime you need to.

If there is anything in life that I have learned that is worth knowing, it's that your comfort zone will always follow you.
Go left or right, go forward when you can, back up if you need to. Watch your step, and then take it.
It's what the journey is. Follow your path in life. Don't waste time by thinking you can't take another step.
Find your way, go and see what's around the corner, you'll never know if you don't take another step.
There's twists and turns, corners to take, intersections and forks along the way.
Go and look, discover what your life can be.
Ativan

[Deleted]

Following on from my wobbly with my counsellor a couple of weeks ago, last week I had a really good session. The question she previously asked me was what I thought it would be like to be a woman, not just to look like one? I grappled really hard with the question for the entire two weeks until the next session, and the answer I had was as unsatisfying as the question – I don’t know. In reality all I know is what it feels like to be me. We had our session and she led me through the question, which essentially related to a number of things. Such as – how would I feel being objectified? How would I feel being condescended to by, for example, a motor car mechanic? How would I feel if a man whistled at me from across the street. Quite frankly, the thought of any of these possibilities really bothers me. And it strongly links to sexuality and masculine hegemony. I am currently heterosexual male. I have never been homosexual, asexual, or bisexual. And I guess this is what makes my dysphoria so confusing for me: I don’t know (and cannot really imagine) how lesbians have intercourse. If I transition, I become lesbian. So then what? This is what my counsellor was alluding too – how do I manage this within myself? And I guess the answer to the question is that I have no idea. So I am stuck – I don’t want to be a man in a dress, I don’t want to be celibate, I don’t always want to be a man, but the other options don’t really work either. I suspect my path might be androgyny. I suspect I need to take it easy and not stress too much about this. Absolutely, transition is the wrong decision right now, and long-term, who knows. I have asked her next week for tips on managing dysphoria when it strikes. Hopefully that will help.

Thanks all for your comments. You really help.