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guest@proboards.com
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Apr 30, 2024 13:01:57 GMT 8
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Apr 30, 2024 13:01:57 GMT 8
January 1970
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Humor
Mar 15, 2015 9:43:55 GMT 8
Taka likes this
Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 9:43:55 GMT 8
Those who have lived in Texas, know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 — A bean-less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit- faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.. Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
Screaming Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy’s Toenail Curling Chili Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
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Patty
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Nov 19, 2014 19:40:30 GMT 8
November 2014
patty
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Humor
Mar 15, 2015 10:28:50 GMT 8
Post by Patty on Mar 15, 2015 10:28:50 GMT 8
Wet my skirt,the cat and the chair and now the cats in the bag and won't come out he is pissed!
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guest@proboards.com
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Apr 30, 2024 13:01:57 GMT 8
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January 1970
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Humor
Mar 15, 2015 11:23:47 GMT 8
via mobile
Post by Deleted on Mar 15, 2015 11:23:47 GMT 8
I laughed so hard my stomach hurts...
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guest@proboards.com
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January 1970
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Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2015 1:47:35 GMT 8
Dark humor for the pragmatist!
Say you eventually become an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself. The government says there's no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Part G. Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun (Part G) and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians. This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They're all covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home. And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. And now, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes. Is this a great country or what?
Now that we've solved your senior financial planning problems, enjoy your week.
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7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 23, 2016 3:09:16 GMT 8
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inherit
131
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1
Apr 29, 2024 23:43:17 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 25, 2016 6:01:22 GMT 8
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Shan
1,959
Feb 4, 2016 3:52:26 GMT 8
February 2016
shan
Non-Binary
Any as long as it's polite
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Post by Shan on Mar 11, 2016 22:15:54 GMT 8
An elderly Irish woman visited her physician to ask his
advice on reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor. "Not a chance" she replied. "He won't even take an aspirin". "Not a problem" said the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra". "What is Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said. She called the doctor the next day. "How did it go?" he asked.
"Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was horrid. Just terrible, I tell ya!.” "I'm beside meself!" "Really? What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did as you advised. The Viagra in his morning coffee took effect almost immediately. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging. Fiercely, with one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and saucers flying across the room, then he ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately
took me then and there on top of the table." "Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare." Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Wasn't the sex good?" "Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in me last 25 years, but sure as I'm sitting here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
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jasonmitchellemail@gmail.com
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3,521
EchelonHunt
Avatar by @hitsukuya
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Nov 17, 2014 22:05:35 GMT 8
November 2014
admin
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Post by EchelonHunt on Mar 14, 2016 20:53:10 GMT 8
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jasonmitchellemail@gmail.com
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3,521
EchelonHunt
Avatar by @hitsukuya
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Nov 17, 2014 22:05:35 GMT 8
November 2014
admin
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Post by EchelonHunt on Mar 14, 2016 22:55:55 GMT 8
The local transguy FB group is on fire tonight!
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Ativan Prescribed
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January 2015
ativanprescribed
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Mar 14, 2016 23:15:03 GMT 8
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inherit
131
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1
Apr 29, 2024 23:43:17 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Mar 16, 2016 10:41:30 GMT 8
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inherit
131
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1
Apr 29, 2024 23:43:17 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Apr 25, 2016 3:37:20 GMT 8
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inherit
131
0
1
Apr 29, 2024 23:43:17 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Humor
May 4, 2016 0:26:56 GMT 8
Post by Trinity on May 4, 2016 0:26:56 GMT 8
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inherit
131
0
1
Apr 29, 2024 23:43:17 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Humor
May 6, 2016 5:46:14 GMT 8
Post by Trinity on May 6, 2016 5:46:14 GMT 8
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inherit
125
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May 13, 2023 1:13:57 GMT 8
1,523
Valerie
1,358
Sept 28, 2015 3:08:16 GMT 8
September 2015
soullessdhampir
Female
trans woman
Feminine
More androgynously feminine
She/Her
Pansexual
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Post by Valerie on May 6, 2016 12:58:10 GMT 8
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