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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 4:07:40 GMT 8
I realized I am one of the fortunate, that I have all I need.
What are your needs, as a human, as a transperson?
Are those the same needs?
Do we have special ones?
What do you need?
I'll go later. But I thought this could be interesting, helpful to those who need to be loved up, or those needing clarity, or those who will realize they are in better shape than they thought.
And if not, the love of the forest is here.
Because nobody on this forum is ever alone. Physically, maybe, but emotionally, we are all here, a big gerbil pile of ...us...
Trinity Satin Joy
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 16, 2015 6:18:15 GMT 8
Although well taken care of and I have people who watch to make sure I don't get out of control, it all cost's a lot. Even the assistance that I'm qualified for is really very little compared to the costs of everything else. But I have my personal stuff, this computer(s), my guitars and a small Fender amp that works reasonably well (has a great boxed spring reverb in it, not the best, but it works well enough). I have more than enough food, coffee, all of that is taken care of. My meds are all paid for. My therapist and psychologist and endo are all paid for. I don't have to drive, I have people here to drive me, and transport companies to take me to appointments. It's all pretty simple.
But it's all on the edge, all the time. It could fall apart very easily and if it does, there is nothing I can do to stop that. If I act out and don't realize I am, I could be taken to a psyche unit or worse yet, then taken back to the State hospital. I'd kill myself first. But I'm doing pretty good, there is no prognosis of ever getting better, I'm just stable. I need the things I have, without them, I'd lose it. I need my psyche team, my medical team, the people who do all of my paper work, I freak out over it. I freak out over questionnaires. I have a person who takes care of that for me as well. I'm always on the edge of losing it financially.
I'm always on the edge of losing my sanity. I float over the black abyss, I don't just stand on the edge of it. I know how to float pretty good though.
I can however, just walk away and go anywhere I want, and still survive, depending on where. I could easily move to Central America, anywhere there, places in South America. The cost of living in some places is 1/3 of what it is here. I could do that and live much better than I do now. I think about it a lot. I have everything I need, but there are things that I want. I am going to try my hand (or feet, or however this works) at longboarding. I watched some pretty cool vids and I'm hooked because of them.
I am going to wingsuit fly. That's going to take some doing. I have the blessing of those who watch out for me, finally. They all are in agreement that I can do most anything I set my mind to. They don't want me getting hurt though, it's their job to see to it that I don't. Or hurt anyone else for that matter. The potential is there. I guess I have taken down several people at the same time, but I don't remember that.
They wiped my memories, locked the door really. I have a lot of locked doors there. Some have opened, and it scares me what is behind them. I have to wonder if the doors were locked because of me or because of the circumstances. There is no records from long periods of time in my past. I have to wonder why, especially because I have unlocked a bunch of them, some good, some bad. Some are the stuff of my nightmares. Lucky me...
But the thing that I really need? Is to chance my death. To challenge my old friend, right here with me like always. I hear the whispers in my ear, 'just do it'... But I know that one well enough. Just doing something that has the potential to satisfy it for now.
But it's growing, I can feel it. That need to be one step too close to my death, that heart stopping, pounding, seeing it right there in front of me, death, mine. I know that sounds crazy to some of you, some of you get it and want to do that as well, even if it is just a deep down feeling that will never rise and take over. Mine has never really been buried. Hidden perhaps, but easily found. I don't want to stand on the edge and look down, I hate doing that, but sometimes I have to peek. No,.. I need to take two steps back or more and then hop, skip, walk or run, right off of it. Just to see if i can. To see if I can beat it like I always seem too.
Wingsuit flying just might be the right thing to do. Get good at it and then learn to proximity fly through valleys, down the sides of them. Always getting closer and closer until that day comes that I quit, or it's the last time I do that, or anything. It would be a fitting end. That would be having everything I need then, I guess. But it's not, there is always something or other that comes along when I don't expect it to.
But to fly... I have always wanted to do that, I've fallen through the air, but it was never close to something or through a valley. Fallen down into a valley, but not though one, just down pretty much. But I have hung on to stuff that was flying through the air, it set the thought in me to be able to just do that someday. To not have to hang on to something.
To simply fly. Even if it is still falling, at least you are going forward a lot faster than you are going down. Yep, a hop and a skip or two and over the edge. To simply fly. I need that.
Pretty sure that's about it for now. Ativan
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 7:07:49 GMT 8
You are one of mine.
Fly over that edge. Dont you dare fall off it.
And i wont be so selfish, but, I, and others, need you. Simply for you to be.
That is one of my needs. For you to be you, and to be. To continue to be, and I hope, to be happy being you.
There is only one you.
It is a gift. One you have shared here. One we all need, and want, and desire too.
But if you ran, went to south America, found a new quest, searched a new place, you would still be. And that fulfills the needs.
Because you would still be. And that, somehow, feels soothing, it feels good.
The deep bonds in this forum. Thats what i need, if i lost everything, i still have all of you.
Do you know how important that is? That each and everyone of you is filling a need?
So many needs, and so many need. I hinted at it. I think the most important thing for us as trans, is needing not to be alone. And thats what I mean, its cyberspace, but we still are not alone. Because, You.
And even more huge, is we all need love. And its here. We have it. We give it. Because we just are. Its us. The essence of it.
I say it a lot, but its worth it.
That is what i need. That is what we need. That is what we have, and what we give.
Its amazing. And not many will find this, but its right here, its yours, just accept your gift.
Be part of that diamond necklace of trans.
Because, you are.
Trinity Satin Joy
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 16, 2015 7:52:14 GMT 8
How would you know that I haven't already moved, or have been somewhere else for a long time now. I have disappeared a couple times or more,... I think a zip line down to the lake this spring. It's not that far, but it would go over the swamp and it would be fun for the kids. Maybe just down the road to the lake, that would be safer for them. I should find out where they have some good ones around here. I know a few places that having one there would be pretty high, like should have a safety harness high. Fun idea for when it gets warm again, if it ever does. Anybody need any winter? Have extra, enough for a few places...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 10:52:21 GMT 8
Zip lines are fun. I used to demonstrate one 300 yds long in a water filled rock quarry at Ft. Campbell for the Recondo students. It was fast, 50 mph and one had to lift their legs for a water landing just prior to possibly clobbering in on the rocks at the other end, it was good for a high speed enema. I demonstrated it for a bunch of officer's wives at the Division activation holiday. One of the NCO's tied a length of commo wire to a snap link and taped a red a white and a blue smoke grenade to it, he had the pins pulled and was holding the spoons down until I launched from the tower at the upper end. So I'm zipping along with patriotic colors behind me. What they didn't tell me is that another NCO had run a commo wire across my trajectory and had placed a couple of quarter pound blocks of TNT four feet under water on either side and detonated them as I went over them, it was a cool effect but didn't help my hearing any. I'm sure I could have walked off with a couple of the ladies who wanted to meet me afterwards.
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Post by Metamorph on Feb 20, 2015 4:34:43 GMT 8
Well, this wasn't what I was expecting And I need (heh) to be careful, because I know that edge too well And don't believe it will ever be gone from my life And I don't understand why I am still alive Wingsuit flying sounds grand Zip lining sounds good too, thought not quite as grand That draw to the edge? It's not so present just lately And so now, if I let them, other needs are knocking at the door But in general I refuse need Need is insidious Beyond basic life needs (food, water, yada yada) The only need I allow myself is the animals that share my life Them I need
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Post by Leena on Feb 20, 2015 14:34:47 GMT 8
Because nobody on this forum is ever alone. Physically, maybe, but emotionally, we are all here, a big gerbil pile of ...us... I am alone though, romantically and such. I have no idea how to sell the new non-binary cross dressing me to binary women who are wanting something more binary guy. I used to work in sales, and was actually pretty good at getting people, especially women, to buy things they didn't want...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2015 19:46:21 GMT 8
Because nobody on this forum is ever alone. Physically, maybe, but emotionally, we are all here, a big gerbil pile of ...us... I am alone though, romantically and such. I have no idea how to sell the new non-binary cross dressing me to binary women who are wanting something more binary guy. I used to work in sales, and was actually pretty good at getting people, especially women, to buy things they didn't want... I had tried to hide it, purge it, to get a girl. Bad idea, that. You are younger, right? I am mid fifties. The old saying is there is a lid for every pot. Trinity
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Post by Taka on Feb 22, 2015 3:37:54 GMT 8
considering how many girls loved those emo boys, i'd say there's still a good chance for nonbinary folks.
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Post by Leena on Feb 23, 2015 14:13:55 GMT 8
I am alone though, romantically and such. I have no idea how to sell the new non-binary cross dressing me to binary women who are wanting something more binary guy. I used to work in sales, and was actually pretty good at getting people, especially women, to buy things they didn't want... I had tried to hide it, purge it, to get a girl. Bad idea, that. You are younger, right? I am mid fifties. The old saying is there is a lid for every pot. Trinity I am not that much younger, late thirties. Even though I usually publicly present as a guy, if going back to my place was offered, there's way too much stuff at this point to hide. I'm not wanting to purge it, because I know I'll just want to buy something like it again. It's funny, the women I've actually been with have always sort of known and it was not an issue, but spelling it out totally, online at least, seems to lead to pretty much nothing but rejection.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 23, 2015 22:23:04 GMT 8
I am not that much younger, late thirties. Even though I usually publicly present as a guy, if going back to my place was offered, there's way too much stuff at this point to hide. I'm not wanting to purge it, because I know I'll just want to buy something like it again. It's funny, the women I've actually been with have always sort of known and it was not an issue, but spelling it out totally, online at least, seems to lead to pretty much nothing but rejection. It's all in how you sell yourself. Words and phrases, putting the spin on what you have to say. If you can sell a product or service, you can sell yourself as well. Honesty is still the best policy, it just needs to be presented in the right way. The upsides are always grand, find the things they want and express your ability to fulfill those needs. There is no need to have any negativity about the things that, in their long run, don't matter. Let you be the one they have interesting things to discover, they will be looking for what they want, not what they don't want. If that is their defining moment in the requirements of a relationship, what they don't want, then such a shallow person may not be the person you are looking for. They will always be looking to find fault in everything you do.
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Post by Leena on Feb 24, 2015 13:16:33 GMT 8
The issue with letting them discover things is that they might jump to the entirely wrong conclusion, that I have another girlfriend if they find some random item I don't have hidden…
I maybe do need to work out words and phrases I need to use in order to self myself. It is hard enough for a cis-male to sell himself, but using the rhetoric they use doesn't generally work for me…realistically, this is going to be something that's hard to sell, but I only have to make one sale…or maybe another few if that sale doesn't eventually work out for normal, non-related to trans, issues...
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2015 3:11:16 GMT 8
Since I have a belief in reincarnation, I need the Grim Reaper to visit me. Instead of living in this half ass fucked up body and not being one or the other but thinking female way more than male. I need death. Not by me so no one worry about the Suicide deal. But I will be so happy when my number comes up. So I'm a hybrid. Don't know why even? Don't care but I am tired. Not really because I'm about to say fuck it and go for HRT. Maybe.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Feb 25, 2015 4:45:42 GMT 8
If you do, Jamie, it will be really interesting to see if you do like it. It's not for everyone, so it's kinda a toss up. Most people know if it is within a very short period of time. A couple days to maybe a month or so if persistent. At the very least, it would make for an interesting perspective.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 25, 2015 4:52:44 GMT 8
considering how many girls loved those emo boys, i'd say there's still a good chance for nonbinary folks. Sorry hon but at my age emo don't exist. Give me a rich guy that is neat or a guy that is a little on the bad side with long hair and tats and whatever else. But I am in my mid to late forties so you young'uns like a little different look. Give me a guy in a suit and tie with a reputable look and really good job, or give me one hell of a bad boy with long hair a tats with one helluvan attitude. I guess I'm kind of lucky though because I kind of found both rolled into one. Now if I don't run away like always before.
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