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Laura J
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Post by Laura J on Feb 6, 2015 17:10:38 GMT 8
I fight being stupid mostly..
It seems easier for me to go too far with things, than not far enough, or right where I need to be? When it comes to my gender, that gets scary and of such I!portance in regards to everything else I'm going through, I spend a lot of time analyzing everything before I actually do it. But so far all is running smooth in my household, I'm being more authentic now than I thought I could by this time, my wife's being really cool with everything, my friends seem to pit up with me okay, honestly, I think I'm caught up to my place on the forest path I'm walking, at this point in my journey. But to newbies about me, I'm not trying to be female, I'm very fluid and go back and forth, so I try and be flexible and to reach a sort of happy medium, that's just the nature of my identity..
Yes I've certainly fought it, fought being myself, for many years, to much unhappiness as a result, but it was just due to my own ignorance and absence of information.. I don't have that to worry about anymore..
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2015 20:52:04 GMT 8
There were key moments.
The upbringing and the total hell of that childhood did not help. The relentless abuse since I was born exceptionally effeminite, or born andro if you wish, visually and in body language.
Nobody knew anything about DES. That would have been an eye opener early.
But I carried the judgement of others into the future, the present, my now.
I had a chance, had a shrink for alcohol that wanted to treat it, but chickened out. Mishandled in 1984.
But when I met my wife, and fell in love, and was accepted and loved back in the most wonderful and innocent way, I purged it to get her, to keep her. Fear drove it, so did her rigid cultural upbringing. So began the 30 year drought.
When I changed from occultism to Pentacostal Christianity, that made it even more screwed up. It literally took and act of God to free me from that terrible anti trans anti gay doctrine that is so wrong. I still lean on that hard, the two very direct visions- Fear Not to my wife, Trust me was the one given me. Both of us hold onto that vision with everything we've got, what a gift from the one that really knows.
But yes, there are many ways things could have been different, and I think our young people in this time and place have a far better chance of success, while we share our strength and hope as late transitioner survivors, or as early transitioner successes that have lives much different from the darkened paths we followed. Not all was dark of course, but as friend Ativan likes to say, you cannot outrun yourself. It is simply not possible, your self will catch you in the end.
And the last fight for me was against trans ideas at the other place where most of us came from. The idea of inevitable transition vs the fact and reality of my nonbinary triune gender (Core, notmale, notfemale). I had to fight those thoughts hard, because those thoughts were not true. Full female transition for me is not inevitable, it flies in the face of my current reality, there is a far more truthful choice for me, and I am living it now. And I like it. Deception of the wife is over, the collateral damages are mitigated, I live a dream. Its a dance on the edge, yeah, a walk on the diamond tightrope. The balancing rod is truth, the head must look up and not down, the destiny, is the rising sun of a life well lived, wings spread and gilded with gold, the truth, which I found here from all of you, has truly set me free. And on my best days, the diamond core of trans is free to shine, new facets are polished, and life is good. On my worst, well, there is healing to be done, and based on what I see on this thread, every one of us needs it.
Blessings my dears
Trinity Satin Joy
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Post by Deleted on Feb 6, 2015 21:52:03 GMT 8
DES would have explained a lot back then Trinity. It definitely would have provided some kind of answer and legitimacy of being born different or mix match of your birth gender. It could explain a lot now if it was taken seriously. Personally I think being born trans is just as natural as being born with blue eyes or brown eyes, blonde hair or brown hair and so on. It could be genetics. Hell we could be totally different genders than just the commonly accepted two in society. Could be evolution of the brain that allows for it. I mean the brain evolves just like everything else if you believe in evolution. Transgenders have always been a part of cultures and society, sometimes accepted and sometimes not, so I tend to believe in the totally different genders aside from totally male or totally female. No matter what we are told though, society tends to judge books by the cover instead of what is written inside. But that seems to be changing little by little everyday.
You mentioned Pentecostal, my mom and some other family members were hardcore Pentecostal. I don't want this to sound really messed up but I was still me. If it made them mad, then they had to take their place at the end of the line. This is gonna' sound screwed up too but I was told by my grandmother than when my mom was pregnant with me that she prayed really hard that I would have been a girl. I guess she got her wish. Just not the way I think she wanted it. Do I blame her? No. I would have been trans regardless. She had those "special vitamins" because I was a high risk pregnancy but do I blame DES? No. Even without it I may have still been trans. Without it I may have been a miscarriage and never would have had the experiences that I have had. Never would have met the wonderful people that I have met in my lifetime. Never would have met all the butt holes and idiots either, but they inspire me to try and be a better person. Do I blame God or whatever someone's views of God are? No. I have before though. There is a reason why or at least I would like to think so anyway. Maybe a lesson in humility? Maybe some other lesson there that isn't even evident to me.
I did try not being trans and tried being a "normal" guy, but I never really fit in. Then I really knew. Why fight it? I never really fought it anyway but did test it and failed the tests. As for being me, those times that I tested being trans I felt not right. I didn't have to dress or look female, but I couldn't fight what was inside. I was just me, no matter what the outside looked like at any given time. It is definitely something that I had to accept about me whether or not anyone else accepted it. Once I accepted it as being probably one of the biggest influences of who I am and actually embraced it as just a part of me, it stopped being such an internal conflict.
OK another question. Being trans is such a big part of who I am. If I wasn't trans, what kind of a person would I be? I think about this quite a bit and don't really like some of the possibilities.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2015 2:14:04 GMT 8
DES would have explained a lot back then Trinity. It definitely would have provided some kind of answer and legitimacy of being born different or mix match of your birth gender. It could explain a lot now if it was taken seriously. Personally I think being born trans is just as natural as being born with blue eyes or brown eyes, blonde hair or brown hair and so on. It could be genetics. Hell we could be totally different genders than just the commonly accepted two in society. Could be evolution of the brain that allows for it. I mean the brain evolves just like everything else if you believe in evolution. Transgenders have always been a part of cultures and society, sometimes accepted and sometimes not, so I tend to believe in the totally different genders aside from totally male or totally female. No matter what we are told though, society tends to judge books by the cover instead of what is written inside. But that seems to be changing little by little everyday. You mentioned Pentecostal, my mom and some other family members were hardcore Pentecostal. I don't want this to sound really messed up but I was still me. If it made them mad, then they had to take their place at the end of the line. This is gonna' sound screwed up too but I was told by my grandmother than when my mom was pregnant with me that she prayed really hard that I would have been a girl. I guess she got her wish. Just not the way I think she wanted it. Do I blame her? No. I would have been trans regardless. She had those "special vitamins" because I was a high risk pregnancy but do I blame DES? No. Even without it I may have still been trans. Without it I may have been a miscarriage and never would have had the experiences that I have had. Never would have met the wonderful people that I have met in my lifetime. Never would have met all the butt holes and idiots either, but they inspire me to try and be a better person. Do I blame God or whatever someone's views of God are? No. I have before though. There is a reason why or at least I would like to think so anyway. Maybe a lesson in humility? Maybe some other lesson there that isn't even evident to me. I did try not being trans and tried being a "normal" guy, but I never really fit in. Then I really knew. Why fight it? I never really fought it anyway but did test it and failed the tests. As for being me, those times that I tested being trans I felt not right. I didn't have to dress or look female, but I couldn't fight what was inside. I was just me, no matter what the outside looked like at any given time. It is definitely something that I had to accept about me whether or not anyone else accepted it. Once I accepted it as being probably one of the biggest influences of who I am and actually embraced it as just a part of me, it stopped being such an internal conflict. OK another question. Being trans is such a big part of who I am. If I wasn't trans, what kind of a person would I be? I think about this quite a bit and don't really like some of the possibilities. Jamie, you would have been a beautiful and thoughtful guy, unless you ended up strung out and dead ala Morrison. You are quite lovely when you're sober, and quite nuts when you're not. You would be much the same I think - still exploring - still brave - still borderline crazy fun. Julie Thanks Julie but maybe and maybe not. I would love to think you're right though. Hell hon, I'm nuts when I am sober. I guess I'm just crazy all the way around. I guess I have always just tried to play the best with the hand that was dealt when I took my first breath. If I was cis instead of trans, there would be another elephant to replace the pink one in the room. Everyone has something in their lives that shape them and make them who they are. Sometimes good and sometimes bad. I'm not successful at anything other than living and seeking happiness, but that's really all we need to be successful at. Everything comes with pros and cons.
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Post by Taka on Feb 7, 2015 8:14:46 GMT 8
my mom fought it. i mostly ignored it. thought it wouldn't be necessary to deal with it, and it wasn't. until i'd done absolutely everything a woman can do (except being submissive, failed on that one). suddenly i had no more reason to go on as a woman. religion or parents or fertility couldn't keep me happy. tried getting a new boyfriend, but that failed too in the end. so i stopped ignoring it, had a good fight with it, and then gave up when i was finally convinced that fighting myself is kinda pointless.
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