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Post by Kira on Dec 23, 2015 20:22:51 GMT 8
I have date three later, the date that I will tell him about my past. I have made sure nothing has happened up until now, but still, he may still think I have deceived him.
Which person will I get... The violent responder, the shocked shouter, the accepting human, the sexual objectificator. Dating lottery, fun!
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 23, 2015 21:10:44 GMT 8
It would be cruel for any dates to hold your past self against current you.
The current you speaks volumes about who you are and where you are in life. The past is just that, the past.
If whatever happened in your past becomes a deal breaker for your date, that would speak more about them than about you.
I hope your date sees that you are more than your past, that you deserve to be loved and treated with respect, just like anyone else.
This topic is quite interesting, if you don't mind me saying so. I have wondered how I would go about dating after I have the final surgery, would I tell them I am trans? Or not...?
If I didn't, would it really be deception? Would they feel right to feel deceived?
The way I see it... if my body was still female and I led them to believe I am physically male, then yes, I would completely understand that I had deceived them.
But if I am physically male, would they knowing what I previously had change anything?
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Post by Kira on Dec 23, 2015 21:36:49 GMT 8
I don't think it's a deception. My friend was born with a tail, she confided in me one day. I doubt very much that all her dates have known that. If you are going to go that level, then makeup is a deception, probably clothing too. I know some people will say 'come on, there is a difference' but that difference is expectation of tolerance, people can be expected to tolerate correction of 'deformity', people can be expected to tolerate, even assum that you wear makeup, you can expect that your date probably won't tolerate transgender history. If I stopped doing everything because people might not tolerate me, I would have nothing and do nothing. I have to assume the possibility of acceptance.
That said, I wouldn't want to have a ltr with anyone I actively had to hide it from, so I have to tell them sometime, and it makes sense to know from the beginning if it's going to go anywhere.
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 23, 2015 22:14:11 GMT 8
Honesty is indeed the best policy. I'd like to think your date would appreciate your honesty to be upfront with them, whether things progress or not. It baffles me that some transgender folks go so far into the stealth thing that they pretend they were born as their correct sex (or cisgender) all along. Personally, I couldn't do something like that, it would feel fake. If you don't win this dating lottery, there are bound to be other lotteries to try your chance at Keep us updated? Or not, it's entirely up to you.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 23, 2015 22:25:09 GMT 8
Its awful when its hidden and comes out later. When its out early, well, they have a choice, and Kira I am sure you are an accurate judge of character and can keep yourself safe.
I personally, honestly, and I hate to say this, but I would be petrified. Its one of the reasons I don't want to hide being trans, I just can't take the whole revelation thing. Yet, in a womans restroom, I do it, hide it, won't reveal it.
I got outed the other day at the endo, you should have seen the look on the other patients faces. They hadn't seen it, until the receptionist called out Mr. C----- . Mister. Ughh.
I'll straighten that one out later.
But the dating thing. It takes being a virgin to a whole new level.
Wish you the best of luck, you are a real beauty you know, and with the female spirit thing, they may not believe you had a past at all. I've seen that with other binary transpeople, I can't believe it when they say they are trans. Still can't (Grace honey yes I am talking about you, but you aren't here on this board are you...)
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Post by Kira on Dec 23, 2015 22:33:39 GMT 8
If there is one thing that coming out taught me, it's that you can *never* tell. You just have to suck it and see, as it were.
I am always very scared before I say. It doesn't get any easier, because it's a rational fear, not an irrational one that can become lessened through exposure.
I have actually come out to people before who said I was lying and just making fun and even went so far as the tell me off for making a joke out trans people. It was great! And also to know that some people would speak up on our behalf even if we weren't there.
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Post by Mingma on Dec 23, 2015 23:10:18 GMT 8
Kira, Be sure to have your conversation in a public place. I expect he will be fine with it because he is more than fine with you. Maybe I am just paranoid but I have some trust issues regarding intimacy and so pretty much only date folks who know me well. Have a wonderful time and a joyful holiday.
Ming
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Post by Kira on Dec 23, 2015 23:20:39 GMT 8
I will, I have arranged for it to be a fairly public space. I am sceptical of the extent to which this affords protection though. Having been rounded on my a group of guys in a bar during my non binary days and have them force their hands into my clothes, everywhere, with not one bystander intervening, I know that challenging gender perceptions makes you fair bait in most people's eyes, and coupled with general unwillingness to stand up for others is enough to make you quite possibly on your own, even in a public space, if push comes to shove. You can't rely on help, best to have an escape route planned and your car keys ready just in case.
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Post by Kira on Dec 24, 2015 8:04:21 GMT 8
It went ok, he is still processing tho. He did ask whether it makes him gay. Why do guys always ask that? What a weird question when you think about it! Especially of a post op woman!
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Post by Trinity on Dec 24, 2015 8:09:23 GMT 8
Thats the hard part for them. But you can say you arent gay, youve always been she, and that there is no he left in you for him to be scared of, because you are a binary woman, not a mix. All girl, never gay.
So he cant be gay either. You were never a guy.
Just thinking.
There was never a he for you. Only a birth anomoly you got taken care of. At least thats what i understand of you. You even want to have babies. Thats pretty darn binary she...
Love ya girl
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 24, 2015 11:18:34 GMT 8
Logically, yes, it IS a weird question. But it is a good place to educate him.
Society and upbringing is mostly why he asks that question. Maybe he grew up on Jerry Springer shows where a transwoman comes onto the show and yells, "Hun, I'm really a MAN!" giving an unrealistic, cartoon-y portrayal of transgender folks.
Maybe he believes biology over gender identity, that what you are biologically is who you are, regardless of your body or gender identity. That your sex equals your gender. "Born a boy, you must be a boy. Born a girl, you must be a girl" But that is only true for cisgender folks.
There is a lot of shame over being gay, even with the growing acceptance. Maybe he is scared his mates will tease him endlessly about it. If his mates ever meet you, I have no doubt their jaws will hit the ground and they will be astounded, unable to believe that you were ever a male once before.
Society and upbringing conditions people to believe that if they are attracted to transwomen, they must be secretly gay/love the penis, or if they are attracted to transmen, they must secretly be gay/love the vagina, irregardless of where the transgender individual are along their journey or transition.
It is not always true, it's demeaning to use a transgender person's status, or genitals they no longer have as a way to declare the partner's sexuality as "gay", "straight" or what have you, when there is so much more to a relationship than just sex.
That's society for ya, boiling things down to (previous) genitals and sex, erasing the person completely.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2015 12:41:52 GMT 8
I have date three later, the date that I will tell him about my past. I have made sure nothing has happened up until now, but still, he may still think I have deceived him. Which person will I get... The violent responder, the shocked shouter, the accepting human, the sexual objectificator. Dating lottery, fun! You could get any of the four. Personally I have found it better to be honest from the get go. Then they know who you are and you will know who they are. Upfront. There is nothing wrong with being a beautiful, sexy woman with a little more. If A guy don't like it then they can choose. If they want to be a dickhead and hurt you then pepper spray them or tase the shit out of them. Just be careful and make sure that you feel that your life is in danger. If not I would be Tasing people just to get them to piss on themselves for laughs. Yeah I may be a little bit of a sadistic bitch. But I'm still a bitch though instead of the son of one. 100 percent here.
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Post by Kira on Dec 24, 2015 17:44:39 GMT 8
I don't tell people from the get go for safety. Two people I met on a dating site have come up to me where I work and said hey I saw you on... Can I take you out for a date. If I told people from the get go, it would have been all round my work and my customers and I wouldn't be safe. And takers and pepper spray are illegal here.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 24, 2015 19:05:20 GMT 8
Sheesh.
I dont blame you a bit.
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Post by Kira on Dec 25, 2015 6:55:00 GMT 8
He says fine with it on the date. Tried it on sexually, really wanted it, I have to admit, it's been a while, I played a bit. Then today he ghosted me. Pretty average. Straight from the girlfriend box to the discrete fun box.
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