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Post by Trinity on Dec 29, 2015 19:05:12 GMT 8
Yes yes yes v.l. you rock!
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Post by Trinity on Dec 29, 2015 19:25:29 GMT 8
I keep noticing how these present modes feel so true, yet its like, who i am at night when i get on the forum and ready for bed is the true me.
When i see my nonbinary pic up in the avatar i see me.
When i see the full out pic up, deep inside, it does not feel like my total self. Its missing something.
So in the blend nothing is ever pushed, no self consciousness, relaxed.
Full out, there is an awareness of presentation. Both guy and gal mode, its an overlay. An added layer over my core.
But i like being in the overlays to get what i want or need, hormones, love, attention, respect. Business advantage. Sexual validation...or the enjoyment of sensuality on the street.
Take away the overlays and you will see me in truth.
And its actually pretty nifty, nonbinary can be attractive and sexy and all of sh'e, without any overlays at all.
Trinity
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Post by Trinity on Dec 29, 2015 20:40:59 GMT 8
I was thinking of my last post and VL's and my experience full out yesterday, and then that shift to nb to be safe on the street coming home. How it all feels.
It occurred to me, boy I am dense, that its a lot like either getting ready for a date and being wined and dined (and hopefully seduced, like that'll happen.... hey you never know, the way my wife is going... ???) or getting ready for a job push. I don't think its an overlay its an enhancement of a part of self, its increasing the volume on a part of the gender symphony where the sopranos are taking the melody line, or the basses, or the midrange tenor alto mix.
That's why it does not feel like an act, or crossdressing, to either direction. That's why the core is always the core for me, always constant. Because the core is ALL of gender, not genderless - IN ME. So in self expression, its a celebration of that part, and usually for the reasons I said above. But not an overlay. A release of that part of self to take the melody line.
I keep refining my self perception of gender, maybe I overthink it, but the end result is always more freedom and more understanding of who I am, I relentlessly am searching for my truth, and finding it, I cannot help this, perhaps it is the actor in me, for I act on stage from the core, from truth, its why I got to the big time, because it comes from a real place inside me, not something made up. And its why I get the roles of the people in psychological pain, usually, if its serious dramatic work.
Bit I digress. Personally I post because it feels good, also helps others, but it releases me somehow to write it, and hear what you have to say.
Huh. No wonder its so easy to move between the binaries in any presentation. Because my gender is all presentations, all realities, just born that way I guess. And yet, it also feels genderless, neither male nor female.
And the body and wiring stays sh'e, always, never fluxuating from that fact of self. Another gender. Perhaps even female, if the knife comes out, it would be true. But that core, its so incredible to be all. And to be none.
Whatever it is, I feel better. Getting to own it, live it, be it. Feels so good to be me, finally.
Neat short post Veronica. Got a lot out of it personally.
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 30, 2015 0:59:53 GMT 8
Over the two days at Rottnest Island, I found when I was in social situations with guys (my dad had drinks with his mates), I slipped into a very distinct male mode, even though I was around people referring me to my old name and female pronouns. I was initially quiet as I always am around people I don't know very well but over time, began to open up. I found myself being casual, joking around, my voice changed from me aka Jacey to a more masculine voice, using stereotypical Aussie slang that guys use, more so than I've used before. It's weird that I've noticed it only now. When it's just me and Dad in his boat, I shift back to chatty Jacey who bounces around like a little kid, drops the Aussie slang a bit and just be silly ol' me. We experience similar shifts in social cues, don't we? It's all the same to me. Different personas for different settings, all the same person and neither persona is less real than the other, they all are equally real and valid.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2015 5:54:02 GMT 8
I don't find it that odd when you are talking about society and their infatuation with physical sex. I actually prefer transgender regardless whether I choose to live my life as a woman, which is the definition of a transexual either MTF or FTM, or choose to be more fluid or go back and forth from one to the other but that is getting harder to do though. It's sort of like the term transvestite which is the definition of someone who crossdresses as a means of stress release. I have been called all though. I never really understood where the term "faggot" originated from other than the dark recesses of so called normal people hearts just to hurt someone else. Yes I have been called that too. Its kind of funny though really because words never really bothered me. When some people would call me a "Fag" I would tell them I'm not a cigarette from Massachusetts. When the would call me a "Faggot" then I would correct them and tell them that they were wrong because I am a "Tranny". But always have backup and or self protection in the way of pepper spray and screw the weak stuff, get the bear strength. But on a sad note and I am sorry that I can't remember his name but the psychiatrist that proclaimed that homosexuality wasn't a mental disorder in the mid '70s died either yesterday or today. Shit I have a brain fart and it is on the tip of my tounge. But one thing you have to remember though Lee. Most "normal" people are gonna' confuse gender with sex. Most people have a way easier time with the sexual twist because gender is so deeply embedded in our psyche. Sexually I am bi. Gender wise I am MTF or Male leaning toward sissy or just fluid or can go either way. But let me tell you something about those so called "normal" people. They all have their kinks. They all have fetishes and fantasies. We can separate gender from sex because we feel the difference. Hell I'm bisexual but prefer more masculine traits in either men or women. But what turns me on has no effect on my self image of my own gender. I don't know if that makes any sense but if you think about it though, most people relate gender to sex and sexual attraction. Yeah it may be true in most instances but there are many more variables involved. From Phermones to repressed sexual fantasies and sexual attractions. So personally I believe that so called "normal' is actually abnormal. How is it getting harder to do? I'm finding it actually easier to do now that I know that I am mostly in control of my gender flips. There are certain people I know don't understand me, and it's not worth the energy trying to explain so I'm fine with them seeing me as a long haired guy...there are also some activities I enjoy, like hiking alone in National and State parks, and traveling in general, that it's probably safer for me to just present as a long haired guy...I'm still Veronica all the time though. I just find my guy mode useful... For me it is getting harder to hide the femininity. That is getting harder to do for me. For me the guy mode use to be useful but I am so freakin' tired of it. Actually I'm pushing the boundaries farther than I have pushed them before and I have pushed them but we aren't talking about gigs with a band but everyday life. From hair to clothing to light makeup. Maybe I do have a death wish but most people where I live with the exception of a few assholes could care less. Twice checking out at a big box store I have run across the same person AKA the cashier. I assume that this person is more FTM or non binary or maybe just butch lesbian and just seems to recognize me for who I am. Maybe this person is assuming too but their assumptions would be right. So mine maybe be too. So this person is pushing the boundaries it seems as much as I am. But I'm too polite to say anything and they are too. OMG if we say the wrong thing our feelings may get hurt . Hi. My name is Jamie and I am trans and leaning way MTF than anything else. It is harder to hide the "guy" and getting harder. That Veronica is why it is getting harder for me. I used to be able to hide my brows with my hair. I can't do that anymore because for some reason I have an infatuation with shorter bangs. My hair used to be a mess but now it is layered and more feminine shape with blunt bangs. As if it wasn't before because of the curls. But at my age though, I'm getting tired of hiding anything anymore.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2015 6:07:21 GMT 8
I was thinking of my last post and VL's and my experience full out yesterday, and then that shift to nb to be safe on the street coming home. How it all feels.
It occurred to me, boy I am dense, that its a lot like either getting ready for a date and being wined and dined (and hopefully seduced, like that'll happen.... hey you never know, the way my wife is going... ???) or getting ready for a job push. I don't think its an overlay its an enhancement of a part of self, its increasing the volume on a part of the gender symphony where the sopranos are taking the melody line, or the basses, or the midrange tenor alto mix.
That's why it does not feel like an act, or crossdressing, to either direction. That's why the core is always the core for me, always constant. Because the core is ALL of gender, not genderless - IN ME. So in self expression, its a celebration of that part, and usually for the reasons I said above. But not an overlay. A release of that part of self to take the melody line.
I keep refining my self perception of gender, maybe I overthink it, but the end result is always more freedom and more understanding of who I am, I relentlessly am searching for my truth, and finding it, I cannot help this, perhaps it is the actor in me, for I act on stage from the core, from truth, its why I got to the big time, because it comes from a real place inside me, not something made up. And its why I get the roles of the people in psychological pain, usually, if its serious dramatic work.
Bit I digress. Personally I post because it feels good, also helps others, but it releases me somehow to write it, and hear what you have to say.
Huh. No wonder its so easy to move between the binaries in any presentation. Because my gender is all presentations, all realities, just born that way I guess. And yet, it also feels genderless, neither male nor female.
And the body and wiring stays sh'e, always, never fluxuating from that fact of self. Another gender. Perhaps even female, if the knife comes out, it would be true. But that core, its so incredible to be all. And to be none.
Whatever it is, I feel better. Getting to own it, live it, be it. Feels so good to be me, finally.
Neat short post Veronica. Got a lot out of it personally. OK cross dressing the way I understand it is a release of stress. I don't dress for a release of stress and it doesn't turn me on in the least little bit. When I dress true to myself, I just feel normal. Oh I can dress as a guy with a T but still wear the women's jeans and shoes and also the Bikini panties. Just like shaving legs and underarms. I know some guys that have done that and got really turned on. I do it because it seems more natural and normal for me. It doesn't turn me on in the least little bit. I just really can't explain it. Maybe there is no explanation for it.
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Post by Trinity on Dec 30, 2015 10:13:32 GMT 8
There is an erotic side to it with me. But whats wrong with that...its enjoying my female sexuality.
And as an nb, the guy in me definitely likes seeing the girl in me. And once in a while, the opposite is true (trap).
I am realbpicky about the clothes too. Other than lingerie its not way over to girly. I have my own 70s style.
My identity is just not a male.
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Post by Leena on Dec 31, 2015 13:43:22 GMT 8
Crossdressing isn't really a release of stress for me. There's a certain excitement in it for me, but really it's in the possibility that women notice, and are still interested in me. I know it's rare, but I have had more than a few positive experiences like this...
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Post by Trinity on Dec 31, 2015 19:04:35 GMT 8
There was a time when i thought dressing away from my birth assigned genitals was crossdressed. It was erotic, but more than anything else i would see she more clearly physically in the mirror. But gender and sex were so tied together in me with such a sharp social split that it was all bolluxed up.
I used to like the strong man i was, that part then dominant. I still have the muscle definition, i was strong as iron according to my wife. Dysphoria has been progressive in my life, eventually taking it all...physically. We will see on surgury...i cant predict. Right now no.
If i was a male who spent time as a male maybe i would think different. But i so strongly dislike male underthings, and male associated ...what...cant describe it. I just see guys, know i am not one, and frankly would like to be taken by one. Just never breaking my vows...oh well.
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Post by Leena on Jan 2, 2016 13:08:58 GMT 8
I have always been completely repulsed by men. I can barely tolerate being in the same room as them. I used to refuse to talk to them completely, though I learned to be able to say the minimal needed to not come off as being antisocial. I still can't wait until they leave the room. I do find it interesting that most trans and non-binary MAAB do not feel this way, and quite a lot are interested in them sexually. I personally don't want them in my life at all.
I don't think this viewpoint is entirely healthy, while I don't want to and don't have to be a man, I do have to live in a world where slightly less than 50% of the population are men.
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Post by Trinity on Jan 3, 2016 9:45:01 GMT 8
Well my guard goes up...
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Post by Leena on Jan 3, 2016 12:43:56 GMT 8
Don't be scared off. I do think I have a little something more going on in me than most people here, and if I am going to get past these issues, I have to confront them. I don't hate men or masculinity really, machoism, chauvinism, misogyny and society's expectations of me because I'm MAAB is another story... I strangely am attracted to masculine women, perhaps because they represent what I do like about masculinity without the chauvinism and misogyny. I just really dislike that.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 2:02:56 GMT 8
Crossdressing isn't really a release of stress for me. There's a certain excitement in it for me, but really it's in the possibility that women notice, and are still interested in me. I know it's rare, but I have had more than a few positive experiences like this... There used to be certain amount of excitement for me but not sexual in nature. For me it was all about seeing if I could somewhat pass. Back in the eighties and playing in a hair metal band with all the feminine makeup and teased hair, I was cute even if I say so myself. I passed as a hooker for the most part if I wore short shorts and high wedges or stiletto heels. The main reason is because I grew up with mostly female cousins and relatives. The closest male cousin that I had to my age was 20 some odd years older. We all lived fairly close so I played with a lot of Barbie Dolls growing up. Played a lot of house too and got experimented quite a bit on with makeup and playing dress up. I guess you could say it was my destiny. It isn't what caused me to be trans but helped me learn feminine mannerisms, how to walk, talk and express myself in a feminine manner. Also I learned the "normal not over the top" makeup from a professional while paying someone to teach me makeup for the band. I just went a little farther for normal wear instead of over the top. One of my cousin's that knew and never said a word, she and I used to go out of town on trips quite a bit for a "girl's weekend". She was a lesbian and I kept her secret. So when I first started going out dressed, it was a rush. Would I get clocked? Would someone recognize me even though it was far away from my hometown? Would someone want to hurt me if they figured it out or knew. But I was always smart enough to prowl for lovers in places and establishments that it was accepted and normal. Oh I would go to other places with friends but would never consider any guy's advances. The girl that I mentioned above would usually be with me and she would intervene and claim that we were lesbians. But it was still a rush and caused about as much stress as anything else. I don't really know how to explain it. It was elating and felt empowering in a feminine way. Sometimes kind of scary too. To me it was almost like playing gigs. Am I gonna' fuck up the solo and is anyone gonna' notice? Am I gonna' drink too much and screw up too much and people will think that I am not a decent guitarist at the very least? Am I gonna' get boo'd off stage? Not so much different in either capacity. Adrenaline pumping, fear, elation, fun, comfort, normal. Now in both capacities, I could care less. The songs I play I know by heart and don't consume anything that will mess up my coordination before a gig. Dressing up and going out, I will keep the same rule. Hell I don't think of myself as cross dressing unless I wear guy's jeans and t shirts. To me it seemed when I reached a certain age I crossed the "Fuck It" barrier and decided that I would do stuff for me and who don't like it can kiss it. I stopped hiding it so much. That age was not so long ago.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 6, 2016 2:20:31 GMT 8
I have always been completely repulsed by men. I can barely tolerate being in the same room as them. I used to refuse to talk to them completely, though I learned to be able to say the minimal needed to not come off as being antisocial. I still can't wait until they leave the room. I do find it interesting that most trans and non-binary MAAB do not feel this way, and quite a lot are interested in them sexually. I personally don't want them in my life at all. I don't think this viewpoint is entirely healthy, while I don't want to and don't have to be a man, I do have to live in a world where slightly less than 50% of the population are men. Actually Veronica. I'm not repulsed by men but I'm shy around them way more than women. Most men talk less than women so... That is a way to hide or conceal. But most guys with me posing as a guy say that I talk too much and some that I know well enough will ask me if I ever shut up. So sounds like you learned how to fit in. I never did. Early conditioning for me I guess. But you are attracted to who you are attracted too. I'm bi so I'm attracted to masculinity as well as femininity whether cis, gay, trans or whatever else. But that has changed over the years. I am finding myself with guys, gay, trans, bi or somewhat cis, attracted to the masculine aspects and mannerisms. Women, trans or not are a little different. I still like the lipsticks but ultra butch is becoming more and more attractive to me. But I had one bad experience with a lover that was ultra butch and had a bad experience. She treated me like shit. I didn't mind in the heat of the moment all the name calling but in front of our friends was fucked up.
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Post by Leena on Jan 6, 2016 13:49:17 GMT 8
Actually Veronica. I'm not repulsed by men but I'm shy around them way more than women. Most men talk less than women so... That is a way to hide or conceal. But most guys with me posing as a guy say that I talk too much and some that I know well enough will ask me if I ever shut up. So sounds like you learned how to fit in. I never did. Early conditioning for me I guess. But you are attracted to who you are attracted too. I'm bi so I'm attracted to masculinity as well as femininity whether cis, gay, trans or whatever else. But that has changed over the years. I am finding myself with guys, gay, trans, bi or somewhat cis, attracted to the masculine aspects and mannerisms. Women, trans or not are a little different. I still like the lipsticks but ultra butch is becoming more and more attractive to me. But I had one bad experience with a lover that was ultra butch and had a bad experience. She treated me like shit. I didn't mind in the heat of the moment all the name calling but in front of our friends was fucked up. While most men talk less than women, I took it a bit to the extreme, and it actually made me feel more feminine, maybe because the only people I ever met that were shyer than me were lesbians. I met one once that completely refused to talk while guys were in the room, her girlfriend made it clear she did talk to her when they were alone. She actually made quite an impression on me, I'm not sure I did that exactly until after I met her, but I did that afterwards, because if she can, why can't I? That was a long time ago, and while I can be like that, it isn't in my best interests to be like that. I came off as weird to both men and to women who I'd talk to when they'd leave. I am not ever going to like men, even really as friends, and yet I do have some male friends. The thing about being quiet is that you aren't going to make a lot of enemies, and if for whatever reason, you are around for a long time, people are going to eventually start looking at you as a friend and start confiding in you because you aren't judgmental. I actually am capable of caring about my male friends that open up to me, even if I am repulsed by the way they think about women. I unfortunately started playing guitar while hair metal was on it's way out and grunge was on it's way in. I don't really hate on actual grunge bands as much as the copycat ones that took the simplistic sound of Nirvana and dumbed it down even more, and masculinized it and killed rock. Rock was always androgynous and had to be. I totally should have been in a hair metal band, and I would have pushed it further in the other direction and worn mini-skirts and bikini tops on stage.
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