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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2014 22:21:49 GMT 8
Tricky thread, but one that could be kind of important from a support point of view.
How dangerous to you is your dysphoria, your being trans?
How close are you to the edge mentally, or close with self harm?
What is it we do that makes that better or worse?
How can we, my dears, make a difference to you?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2014 22:37:01 GMT 8
I separeted my post in case we get an op quote. So the op quote can get quoted and my feelings dont.
I am right on the edge, nearly all of the time. I actually kind of dance the edge.
The pain reaches times when I feel like going into a soundproof closet and screaming over and over again. And then, come back out. Anything to ease the terror of the uncertainty I feel about where it will go.
It was more dangerous in the early years when I was drinking myself to death. Less as time went on. Now its dangerous again.
When my wife says the wrong thing I go over the edge, have to twist and grab onto a thought, rationalize a moment, justify a moment, find any way possible to make it acceptable. Then I climb up and dance again.
Mirrors hurt sometimes, sometimes they dont.
But what helps.
Keeping my nails helps.
Telling myself the truth helps.
My relationship with God helps. Being on the phone two to three hours a day with a core group of trans friend, more than friends, helps, it calms me down, it helps my breathe.
Having a coworker I can escape to helps.
This forum helps, a lot.
Throwing words on paper in here, getting out of my head, being transparent helps.
Massive hormones helps.
Holding my wife in my arms and not letting go helps
And knowing I have an escape plan, if my life disintegrates here around me as I fear it will sometimes, knowing there is a room waiting for me in a safe place with my very close transmother, that really helps.
Nonbinary, bearded mtf, with binary mtf physical and emotional needs. A living hell at times. I shave it, its over.
So the last thing that helps, is personal integrity and values, the willingness to live in spite of the pain, and there are days of joy, no doubt, days of great joy.
"The secret of life is outlasting the bullshit."
This from a guy that crawled out of a box and got sober, a guy that broke the back of a 9 hour white knuckle booze battle, by saying he wasnt drunk because he didnt drink that day, and I outlasted the agony of that craving, and found out it was possible to live without booze. And when this was accepted, the pain of staying sober became so very much less, because I no longer feared picking up a drink.
But this is a little different. So, I lean hard on my transgender family, so I can outlast it all.
Are you at risk too dears, do you need help?
We like to help dears. Are you reading and havent joined, because you are afraid? You can you know, you can say anything, we dont use our real names, most of the time. You can sign up and say hi, and just say you watch what we say.
I wish my real name was Trinity Satin Joy. Hey, maybe that is my real name, and the one I carry in the cisworld is the fake one.
Trinity is strong like that, the girl from the matrix, I so totally identify with her.
Blessings dears. Soft warriors of trans, gentle giants.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2014 22:54:51 GMT 8
Tricky thread, but one that could be kind of important from a support point of view. How dangerous to you is your dysphoria, your being trans? How close are you to the edge mentally, or close with self harm? What is it we do that makes that better or worse? How can we, my dears, make a difference to you? Zip for me, I walked into this with eyes wide open and though there was a period of strange behavior and attitudes for me, I finally straightened out on my own. More than likely had a lot to so with the mind and body adjusting to the hormonal swap. Thankfully I have never been an emotionally fragile type but my heart goes out to those who are even though I can't relate through any similar personal experience. I understand what dysphoria is though I have experienced very little of that as well. I'm either the Rock of Gibraltar or abysmally so dull of wit that I don't get it, in either event I am so personally disdainful of any kind of drama that I usually am of no help whatsoever to those who are having emotional difficulties. It's not that I don't care because I do care for each and every one of you, so if I am a no-show in responses on threads like this you will understand that I do care and am thinking of you prayerfully.
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Post by Edge on Dec 7, 2014 23:52:54 GMT 8
Meh. My mind has been dangerous for a long time, so being trans has been more of a positive change than anything. Admitting to myself I am trans and transitioning I mean. Yeah, it made the dysphoria worse and I think if I wasn't allowed to transition, I'd probably be at risk, but I can and I can be patient enough. I'm always on the edge mentally. It's the nature of my disorder I think. For me though, falling off the edge either means dissociation or madness. Dissociation is scary and I'm often afraid that, if I fall into it, I won't wake up even though I know I have every other time before and it's just temporary. Madness is also scary because of the loss of control. That said, I like being on the edge of it. Dancing on the edge of madness is where I feel happiest. It's fairly easy for me to help myself since I know my mind very well. I know what I value, I know what to look for to see if I need to adjust anything, I know what to do to adjust things, etc. It helps to be seen as who I am and accepted for who I am. It helps to talk and ask for help when I need it although sometimes that makes me frustrated because I have trouble being understood sometimes.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2014 23:56:36 GMT 8
Meh. My mind has been dangerous for a long time, so being trans has been more of a positive change than anything. Admitting to myself I am trans and transitioning I mean. Yeah, it made the dysphoria worse and I think if I wasn't allowed to transition, I'd probably be at risk, but I can and I can be patient enough. I'm always on the edge mentally. It's the nature of my disorder I think. For me though, falling off the edge either means dissociation or madness. Dissociation is scary and I'm often afraid that, if I fall into it, I won't wake up even though I know I have every other time before and it's just temporary. Madness is also scary because of the loss of control. That said, I like being on the edge of it. Dancing on the edge of madness is where I feel happiest. It's fairly easy for me to help myself since I know my mind very well. I know what I value, I know what to look for to see if I need to adjust anything, I know what to do to adjust things, etc. It helps to be seen as who I am and accepted for who I am. It helps to talk and ask for help when I need it although sometimes that makes me frustrated because I have trouble being understood sometimes. This sounds very familiar. I know others that are dancing in the same way.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 7, 2014 23:58:28 GMT 8
Tricky thread, but one that could be kind of important from a support point of view. How dangerous to you is your dysphoria, your being trans? How close are you to the edge mentally, or close with self harm? What is it we do that makes that better or worse? How can we, my dears, make a difference to you? Zip for me, I walked into this with eyes wide open and though there was a period of strange behavior and attitudes for me, I finally straightened out on my own. More than likely had a lot to so with the mind and body adjusting to the hormonal swap. Thankfully I have never been an emotionally fragile type but my heart goes out to those who are even though I can't relate through any similar personal experience. I understand what dysphoria is though I have experienced very little of that as well. I'm either the Rock of Gibraltar or abysmally so dull of wit that I don't get it, in either event I am so personally disdainful of any kind of drama that I usually am of no help whatsoever to those who are having emotional difficulties. It's not that I don't care because I do care for each and every one of you, so if I am a no-show in responses on threads like this you will understand that I do care and am thinking of you prayerfully. The fact that you do care, and live an actual life out there, means more that you could dream to some of us, auntie shan. And that it can be done in some kind of way that is comfortable. That gives hope to hopelessness.
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Post by Sarah on Dec 8, 2014 10:12:28 GMT 8
It was pretty dangerous I guess. Self-harm, an eating disorder, a few suicide attempts. But mostly that's long past. I mean, sometimes I screw up, like getting into a fight with my sis last Christmas and peeling a patch of skin off my left arm with my nails. But that is rare.
I still have a lot of anxiety. I'm scared most of the time of one thing or another. I take pills that help, and my gf helps, and sometimes just not being around people at all helps. And my ego isn't in the best of shape. That one is harder. Mostly I try not to think about it and not listen to the voice inside my head that tells me I'm broken and can't be fixed. But I think that's always going to be there. It's hard to tell yourself that you are worthless for a decade and then... get over it, I guess. Between that and my sincerely screwed up body... meh, I do my best.
What can people do here? Mostly it's just what not to do. I don't like being told who I am or how I should be or... I don't like advice at all if I haven't requested it. Just cause I tell you something personal, doesn't give you the right to tell me what I should do or how I should think. I fought and tore and clawed to get to where I am. I survived. Trust me, I know what I'm doing and if I need help I can ask for it. Mainly I share bits of my blighted history to help other folks feel less alone.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 10:17:00 GMT 8
It was pretty dangerous I guess. Self-harm, an eating disorder, a few suicide attempts. But mostly that's long past. I mean, sometimes I screw up, like getting into a fight with my sis last Christmas and peeling a patch of skin off my left arm with my nails. But that is rare. I still have a lot of anxiety. I'm scared most of the time of one thing or another. I take pills that help, and my gf helps, and sometimes just not being around people at all helps. And my ego isn't in the best of shape. That one is harder. Mostly I try not to think about it and not listen to the voice inside my head that tells me I'm broken and can't be fixed. But I think that's always going to be there. It's hard to tell yourself that you are worthless for a decade and then... get over it, I guess. Between that and my sincerely screwed up body... meh, I do my best. What can people do here? Mostly it's just what not to do. I don't like being told who I am or how I should be or... I don't like advice at all if I haven't requested it. Just cause I tell you something personal, doesn't give you the right to tell me what I should do or how I should think. I fought and tore and clawed to get to where I am. I survived. Trust me, I know what I'm doing and if I need help I can ask for it. Mainly I share bits of my blighted history to help other folks feel less alone. In spite of all that wall throwing up I think you are probably a pretty nice girl that most of us would be delighted to know and be buds with. Glad you servived honey, you deserve a nice life!
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Post by Sarah on Dec 10, 2014 9:10:20 GMT 8
I try to be nice. It is a work in progress. And thanks.
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Post by Ayla on Dec 10, 2014 18:14:27 GMT 8
I was very close to the edge after a perfect storm of traumatic ffs; rapid physical and emotional change; significant marital challenges and a very bad situation professionally. Thanks to a few folk I managed to inch my way forward and back onto safer ground. For a long time I was not fully functional as I had known myself to be. Perhaps 3 years later I finally felt that I was in both a good place and a safe place. From there it has been relatively uneventful with the caveat that my marriage is always at potential risk and I always feel the seductive appeal of increasing my hrt to seek a more andro presentation. If I were to meet someone that really understood and accepted me, then I think that I would most likely just step over the edge and embrace possibility.
Safe travels
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Post by Leena on Dec 22, 2014 13:19:04 GMT 8
I no longer consider myself at risk. I was at great risk when I kept this all bottled up, and I went through some very rough times when I un-bottled it, but now I'm mostly at peace with things, though I still have some issues to work out. I expect things will get even easier with time.
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Post by Kelly on Dec 22, 2014 23:06:43 GMT 8
How 'at risk' am I? Not at all.. I know who I am and I'm OK with that. The risk went away when I realised I could be me.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2014 23:41:48 GMT 8
I went from being a pretty level-headed outwardly normal male type, notwithstanding some horrific PTSD issues, to a strutting peacock with a brain that shot from far right male to extreme left side female, all of which threatened my marriage and other relationships that I was unwilling to shit can for any reason. Eventually my brain centered itself as my internal wiring adapted to the hormonal changes. Now I'm in a good place and all is well.
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Post by Laura J on Dec 23, 2014 1:26:09 GMT 8
For now, the only danger to me is calateral damage to others, that would effect me..
Say if my wife suddenly told me she can't deal with me and this stuff, and to leave, or her leave, my life would pretty much be over. I can't start over, forget 30 years of marriage, and still go on living somehow.?
I just don't see it happening.?
So maybe it's wrong, or weak, but my life literally is in the hands of my wife, and her ability to accept me and understand this..
Thats my only damage risk..
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Post by Deleted on Dec 23, 2014 2:01:21 GMT 8
For now, the only danger to me is calateral damage to others, that would effect me.. Say if my wife suddenly told me she can't deal with me and this stuff, and to leave, or her leave, my life would pretty much be over. I can't start over, forget 30 years of marriage, and still go on living somehow.? I just don't see it happening.? So maybe it's wrong, or weak, but my life literally is in the hands of my wife, and her ability to accept me and understand this.. Thats my only damage risk.. I am in much the same boat, hence my gender therapist was involved from the beginning and critical mistakes avoided.
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