social dysphoria

[Deleted]

Yesterday should've been a good day. It was not.

Depression and dysphoria spiked. And yes, I know it's Saturday and my serums fly up to about 600, but I don't think that is causal.

It was not fitting into binarism. Being a he.Sh'e. Sh'e sees the women and they are dressed comfy, they look happy. They are out in their summer skirts, enjoying summer breeze.

But I am just dealing, in a swing in the park, head in my wife's lap, her arms around me, my feet up.

Fuzzy, who will be back, saw the Jenner interview, a friend of hers got it for her, she talked to them.

Fuzzy, my daughter, doesn't show her pain to me.

The Jenner interview released a flood of tears in her. Sh'e said it was healing.

That she was mourning the loss of the father she knew.

...he is a component, but I am me.

And I wish I had the balls to go out in public as me, blended and obviously so, in a skirt and heels. I like heels.

It's just too far off the binary scale. I already feel like the only one of my kind here in my region. It would make it even worse.

Suicidality hit yesterday, it's not an option. Pain was a 7, depression a 5, dysphoria 9. Out of ten.

Because I was forcing. Forced presentation. pushing it too hard to he, without meaning to. Trying to quiet Sh'e, but Sh'e is feeling deep pain, and I can't help h'er in that moment. It's all just me though.

Does anyone else here go through this?

Will the young folks break the binary expression chains?

[Marooned In This Body]

yes dear, i do. having recently come out it's hard to go out in public and really feel male. i tend to start really hating my body at that point and feeling particularly insecure about everything concerning my appearance. which in reality, i know is not what makes me, me. that doesn't matter though does it? not when we feel we should be one way and our bodies are another. i hope you are feeling better love. <3 <3

[Deleted]

Most of the time I'm ok. And I'm full Nonbinary transitioned. Too many triggers in the last couple of days, I need to learn why, how to deal with that.

There are good things too going on. Wife let me have my dress shirt off for around 15 mins today during backrubs time. I was completely me, physically Sh'e. With her. That is huge.

I stopped when her comfort level started to give.

she has come far. I take whatever can be accommodated without hurting others who knew me as only he.

Glad you are here. Keep asking questions.

Comfort will and does come in time. I've seen it for me, I am gender nonconforming in public. If I desired, I could easily go out female. But not without consequences, so I do not.

[Marooned In This Body]

i am the same with my boyfriend. he is definitely not gay or bisexual but i am whether male or female so he is having a difficult time but has never not accepted me. he is only having issues with having sex with a man because i refuse to do it if i cannot have my male "body" which i know is hard for him but it's harder for me not to have it. i will always ask questions, knowledge is power. stay strong. <3

[Edge]

Sort of, but not really. When I realized I'm a guy at least part of the time, I started presenting as a guy even before I came out as one. I was nervous about coming out, but wouldn't have let that stop me. I'm not really in the habit of letting other people control what I do.
Not often anyway. I get nervous about dressing like a pirate. That hasn't stopped me a couple of times now though. I wouldn't go out in a skirt unless it was a goth one and I had gotten my chest fixed, but that's how I want to look when I wear a skirt anyway.
The only thing that prevents me from wearing a "waif/punk/pirate" style is the fact that I haven't gotten around to making the clothing for it.

According to other people, I already do break the expression chains (ie go against their sexism). They act as if female me can't like dressing the same as male me and has the same behaviour, opinions, aggression, etc who just happens to internally identify as more female. They call it "male presenting" and act like it must be so hard on me to be "male presenting" all the time. Even though all of me is very happy presenting the way I do and I am male. The fact that I get this mostly from non-binary people makes it even more frustrating because it's like there isn't a place I can go where I can talk about my gender without getting really angry.

[Marooned In This Body]

well screw that. both my male and female self dress very similar as my female self is super tomboy other than the make up and even the male side of me likes the make up so idk i guess im a bit androgynous. but honestly you can present to me however the hell you want and i wouldn't care. to me, it's about what YOU are comfortable with not me. and if everyone else has a problem it's definitely theirs and not yours or mine. i think you're pretty great. i'd hang out with you.

[Edge]

Thank you.

[Marooned In This Body]

you're welcome. i posted photos in the general photo thread so you can see just how hard of a time i also have. presenting as a male is hard when you look so freaking female. lol

[Edge]

That's rough. I used to have that problem too. T helped a lot.

[Marooned In This Body]

you're telling me. so who do i ask about T my primary care? im curious about it. should i talk to a gender therapist first?

[Deleted]

Yes, or  both.  Endo is better probalby.  Mine specializes in transition folks.  He sent me to get my e letter, I remain in therapy two and a half years into this now, to keep it dialed in.  Saved my marriage, that guy, got me my E.  The srhink.  Id rather be dead than on incompatible hormones to me.
Off for a bit, lots of work outside.

Love the discussion....

[Edge]

May 24, 2015 22:43:40 GMT 8 Marooned In This Body said:

you're telling me. so who do i ask about T my primary care? im curious about it. should i talk to a gender therapist first?

I talked to my primary care first who referred me to an endocrinologist who wanted me to get a letter from a licensed psychologist saying that I am a trans dude and hormones would be good for me.
I, uh, didn't tell them about the fluid thing because a) I didn't really understand it and b) I was afraid they wouldn't let me go on T if they knew because I'd been told before that I shouldn't if I'm genderfluid. I'm very glad I did go on T. My life is so much better now. It's not just the outer changes. I also feel psychologically better than I knew I could before.
Anyway, it depends on where you are and what the procedure is there.

[Marooned In This Body]

May 24, 2015 23:01:39 GMT 8 Edge said:

May 24, 2015 22:43:40 GMT 8 Marooned In This Body said:

you're telling me. so who do i ask about T my primary care? im curious about it. should i talk to a gender therapist first?

I talked to my primary care first who referred me to an endocrinologist who wanted me to get a letter from a licensed psychologist saying that I am a trans dude and hormones would be good for me.
I, uh, didn't tell them about the fluid thing because a) I didn't really understand it and b) I was afraid they wouldn't let me go on T if they knew because I'd been told before that I shouldn't if I'm genderfluid. I'm very glad I did go on T. My life is so much better now. It's not just the outer changes. I also feel psychologically better than I knew I could before.
Anyway, it depends on where you are and what the procedure is there.

i plan to find a gender therapist after the holiday. i have a regular one but i think a gender one would benefit me greatly. thanks for the info i will definitely look into it for my state and such. 

[EchelonHunt]

Trinity,

If you could go out presented as female without consequences, what about going to a different city?

In a manga, two transgender individuals went to another city an hour away from their hometown, where they knew no-one and no-one knew them. They dressed up as their true selves for the day, having a break from having to conform in their lives back at home.

Might be unrealistic given your circumstances of having to look after the family, though. Thought it would be worth suggesting, even if in poor taste.

May 24, 2015 21:58:58 GMT 8 Marooned In This Body said:

well screw that. both my male and female self dress very similar as my female self is super tomboy other than the make up and even the male side of me likes the make up so idk i guess im a bit androgynous. but honestly you can present to me however the hell you want and i wouldn't care. to me, it's about what YOU are comfortable with not me. and if everyone else has a problem it's definitely theirs and not yours or mine. i think you're pretty great. i'd hang out with you.

Same here! My female side is a tomboy but enjoys make-up, punk style clothing and lingerie. My male side is a femboy and likes the same things as female side.

And that's true, always do what makes you comfortable. I'd hang out with all of you!

[Edge]

<- How I present regardless of gender. That's not me. That's the main character who happens to be a woman from the movie Metalhead. It took awhile for my friend and I to figure out how to show female me in a recognizable way that would still be me in the photos he took of me.
Actually wait. You guys know. I posted it. Heh. Sorry.